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Some people believe that the best way to improve the general well-being of schoolchildren is to make physical education compulsory in all school. Others, however, think that this would have a little effect on overall health and that other measures are needed. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people believe that the best way to improve the general well-being of schoolchildren is to make physical education compulsory in all school. Others, however, think that this would have a little effect on overall health and that other measures are needed. 5AokN
The growing concern of obesity and its associated risks has become one of the largest among adults in general but students in particular. The detrimental effects of this rising problem have paved the way for a possible solution - the introduction of more exercise in the school setting. While this proposed solution may oversee the problem in certain aspects, I disagree that it is the best way to deal with it. To effectively overcome this obstacle, I believe it is of utmost importance to delve deeper into its root cause. First and foremost, problems associated with food habits, such as obesity, are more recent developments. The increase in fast food chains and delivery services has made people more reliant on such forms of food over the last decade due to its accessibility, low cost, and convenience. Thus, a more effective solution to this problem would be to alter dietary patterns. Alongside a growing number of fast-food chains, a healthier, more nutritious side to food has emerged. It is imperative that people shift from outdated and unhealthy sources of food to healthier, nutrient-rich alternatives, which are easily available at most supermarkets. This gradual move to a more balanced diet would allow people to solve most external and internal dietary issues firsthand. Secondly, I believe it is important to acknowledge the ineffectiveness of existing physical education programs in many schools. Many, if not most, physical education programs are only catered to the likes and strengths of certain students. For example, sports such as basketball or running may appeal only to a mere few and the remaining students are forced to either push through not wanting to do it or spend their time as bystanders of the event. This may harbor the very purpose of sport and physical education in school and likely cause unwanted health concerns among them. Although there are evident downsides to the introduction of more physical education classes as discussed, there could be potential benefits to it if properly planned. Having a A more structured, laid-out, and organized plan could motivate students to challenge themselves and foster healthy competition within school grounds, leading to lesser major health matters. In conclusion, physical education is an essential component of school curriculums and can be used to tackle increasing obesity issues. The main challenge is however not in the quantity but rather the quality of education being received. Nevertheless, the most effective solution to health risks lies in the move to a healthier lifestyle and balanced diet.
The growing concern of obesity and its associated
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
has become one of the largest among adults
in general
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in particular
. The detrimental effects of this rising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
have paved the way for a possible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
the introduction of more exercise in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
setting. While this proposed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
may oversee the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
in certain aspects, I disagree that it is the best way to deal with it. To
effectively
overcome this obstacle, I believe it is of utmost importance to delve deeper into its root cause.

First
and foremost,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
associated with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
habits, such as obesity, are more recent developments. The increase in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
chains and delivery services has made
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
more reliant on such forms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
over the last decade due to its accessibility, low cost, and convenience.
Thus
, a more effective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
would be to alter dietary patterns. Alongside a growing number of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-food chains, a healthier, more nutritious side to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
has emerged. It is imperative that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
shift from outdated and

unhealthy sources of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
to healthier, nutrient-rich alternatives, which are
easily


available at most supermarkets. This gradual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to a more balanced diet would

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to solve most external and internal dietary issues firsthand.

Secondly
, I believe it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to acknowledge the ineffectiveness of existing physical

education programs in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
, if not most,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
programs

are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
catered to the likes and strengths of certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
For example
, sports such

as basketball or running may appeal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to a mere few and the remaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are forced
to either push through not wanting to do it or spend their time as bystanders of

the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
. This may harbor the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
purpose of sport and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
in school

and likely cause unwanted health concerns among them.

Although there are evident downsides to the introduction of more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
education

classes as discussed, there could be potential benefits to it if
properly
planned. Having
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "a" or "A" is left.
a A
more structured, laid-out, and organized plan could motivate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to challenge

themselves and foster healthy competition within
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
grounds, leading to lesser

major health matters.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is an essential component of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculums and

can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to tackle increasing obesity issues. The main challenge is
however
not in the

quantity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
rather
the quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
being received
.
Nevertheless
, the most

effective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
to health
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
lies in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to a healthier lifestyle and balanced

diet.
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IELTS essay Some people believe that the best way to improve the general well-being of schoolchildren is to make physical education compulsory in all school. Others, however, think that this would have a little effect on overall health and that other measures are needed.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
415 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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  • Some people believe that the best way to improve the general well-being of schoolchildren is to make physical education compulsory in all school. Others, however, think that this would have a little effect on overall health and that other measures are needed. Discuss both views and give your opinion.