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While the internet brings with it clear advantages, the problem outweigh the advantages

While the internet brings with it clear advantages, the problem outweigh the advantages ebLPp
Our life is less complicated and more comfortable owing to the technology such as the internet. Along with numerous advantages, there are some drawbacks, especially, the information is not too effortless to be stolen. However from my view I believe that this issue do not overshadow the benefits which the technology has provided for human. The advantages are brought by the technology is definitely undeniable, by using technology our life gradually becomes more and more convenient. in the previous times, transferring the letter almost takes one or two months, however nowadays with support from the technology it only takes a second and we can easily have conversation on social network whenever we want, take facebook or instagram as examples. Not only send a message rapidly but also buy tickets for movies, concerts and travelling, which is not troublesome. In addition, people can buy clothes or other myriad of essential items on the internet. Technology also enables people to access the information without concerning about the barrier language. Moreover, in this current times when the covid 19 pandemic has not over yet, so effective is the implementing a paperless immunization management system. Despite the fact that the confidentiality of the information is not ensured, for instance, a substantial number of bank accounts were hacked and robbed all the money, the government has took action to prevent the information from being stolen by enacting the law on cybersecurity. Besides, there are many antivirus softwares which are used to secure the personal information and data from accessing illegally. In conclusion, the advantages which are brought in by the technology are undoubtedly enormous benefits for mankind. And the threat posed by information being easily stolen but it can be reduced or removed if the government makes reasonable policies and adopts appropriate measures. Therefore the security of the information issue certainly can not exceed to the utility of technology.
Our life is less complicated and more comfortable owing to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
such as the internet. Along with numerous advantages, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks,
especially
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
is not too effortless to
be stolen
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
from my view I believe that this issue do not overshadow the benefits which the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has provided for human.

The advantages
are brought
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is definitely undeniable, by using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
our life
gradually
becomes more and more convenient.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
in
the previous times, transferring the letter almost takes one or two months,
however
nowadays with support from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
takes a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
second and
we can
easily
have conversation on social network whenever we want, take
Possible spelling mistake found.
facebook
or
Possible spelling mistake found.
instagram
as examples. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
a message
rapidly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
tickets for movies, concerts and travelling, which is not troublesome.
In addition
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
clothes or other myriad of essential items on the internet.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Technology
also
enables
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to access the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
without concerning about the barrier language.
Moreover
, in this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
times when the
Did you mean "COVID-19" or the alternative spelling "Covid-19" (= coronavirus)?
covid 19
pandemic has not over
yet
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
effective is the implementing a paperless immunization management system.

Despite the fact that the confidentiality of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
is not ensured,
for instance
, a substantial number of bank accounts
were hacked
and robbed all the money, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has
Use past participle here: "taken".
took
action to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
from
being stolen
by enacting the law on cybersecurity.
Besides
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
antivirus
Possible spelling mistake found.
softwares
which are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to secure the personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
and data from accessing
illegally
.

In conclusion
, the advantages which
are brought
in by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
are
undoubtedly
enormous benefits for mankind. And the threat posed by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
being
easily
stolen
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
or removed if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
reasonable policies and adopts appropriate measures.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
the security of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
issue
certainly
can not exceed to the utility of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
.
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IELTS essay While the internet brings with it clear advantages, the problem outweigh the advantages

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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