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Which suitable age children should start their education at school

Which suitable age children should start their education at school JV09B
Which suitable age children should start their education at school is a controversial issue. While I understand that children staying at home until the age of six or seven bring several benefit, I strongly believe that they should go to school at the earliest. On one hand, staying at home until reaching six or seven brings children some advantages. Firstly, children obtained home education before attending to grade one might have a better background than other pupils. This is because their parents allow them to spend their daily time to teach their son or daughter one by one. Another advantage is that this group of children might have more confident comparing with pupils going to class soon. They are mature, so they could have a stronger mental and physical health. On the other hand, there are two main reasons parents should bring their children to school as soon as possible. First of all, children leaving their family soon have to learn the way adapting with new environment. Schooling environment give them more opportunity to make friends, be familiar with classes and lessons soon. Consequently, they are able to improve their social relationship and many helpful skills. For example, they can learn how to perform alone or with friends, and participate in various healthy activities at school. Secondly, parents can save time in taking care of children, so they are able to acquire a more flexible schedule for their job. As a result, they could ensure their income and cover their life. In conclusion, I firmly argue that the benefit of children going to school as soon as possible outweigh that of staying at home until they reach the age of six or seven.
“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
suitable age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their education at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is a controversial issue. While I understand that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
staying at home until the age of six or seven bring
Possible agreement error. The noun benefit seems to be countable; consider using: "several benefits".
several benefit
, I
strongly
believe that they should go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
at the earliest.

On one hand, staying at home until reaching six or seven brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
obtained home education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
attending to grade one might have a better background than other pupils. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to spend their daily time to teach their son or daughter one by one. Another advantage is that this group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
might have more confident comparing with pupils going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
soon
. They are mature,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they could have a stronger mental and physical health.

On the other hand
, there are two main reasons parents should bring their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
soon
as possible.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
leaving their family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
soon
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
learn the way adapting with new environment. Schooling environment give them more opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends, be familiar with classes and lessons
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
soon
.
Consequently
, they are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their social relationship and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
helpful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
For example
, they can learn how to perform alone or with friends, and participate in various healthy activities at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
Secondly
, parents can save time in taking care of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they are able to acquire a more flexible schedule for their job.
As a result
, they could ensure their income and cover their life.

In conclusion
, I
firmly
argue that the benefit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
soon
as possible outweigh that of staying at home until they reach the age of six or seven.
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IELTS essay Which suitable age children should start their education at school

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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