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Which public place do you enjoy going to? Why do you enjoy going there? Include details and examples in your explanation. v.1

Which public place do you enjoy going to? Why do you enjoy going there? Include details and examples in your explanation. v. 1
Ejection of applications only owing to the applicant's age is banned in some countries. Age discrimination occurs when a decision to hire is made due to persons age. . I, for one, believe it as the advantages and disadvantages of this development and I would like to address the positive impacts like having more job opportunities and the negative that can bring downsides for both companies and the employees themselves. The jobless will get more opportunities to get a new career. As the proportion of unemployed people is increasing drastically, nevertheless, through This law, there would be more chances for them to get a new job, which will directly lower the percentage of crimes, as crimes are mostly done by the jobless and frustrated. furthermore, it will directly lead to the nation's development because as the more people will get hired by companies, the more it will affect the GDP of the respective country, which will result in the growth of both the individual and constituency. For instance, Malaysia has applied This law, due to which their youth and the older generation are getting occupation and it produced a tremendous outcome. Some companies require experienced, hard-working, and enthusiastic adults. One serious problem that can arise from prohibiting the companies to refuse their job applicants due to their age is it can lead to serious company loss. It is because some professional positions require adequate experiences which commonly owned by those in productive ages (30-35 years old). Therefore, in my opinion, when it is restricted to take age into account for selecting new employees, the companies will be dominated by unqualified staff. Consequently, the companies will be adverse as they should pay several amounts of dollars for that employee who possesses neither skill nor the ability to favor the companies' outcomes. In conclusion, there should be the availability of placement for any age group because it would be resulting in a decrease in the unemployment rate, and also, it confines the company to recruit potential staff based on their need.
Ejection of applications
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
owing to the applicant's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
is banned
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Age
discrimination occurs when a decision to hire
is made
due to persons
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
I, for one, believe it as the advantages and disadvantages of this development and I would like to address the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts like having more job opportunities and the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
that can bring downsides for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
and the employees themselves.

The jobless will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more opportunities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a new career. As the proportion of unemployed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
is increasing
drastically
,
nevertheless
, through This law, there would be more chances for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a new job, which will
directly
lower the percentage of crimes, as crimes are
mostly
done by the jobless and frustrated.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
furthermore
, it will
directly
lead to the nation's development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
as the more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
hired by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
, the more it will affect the GDP of the respective country, which will result in the growth of both the individual and constituency.
For instance
, Malaysia has applied This law, due to which their youth and the older generation are getting occupation and it produced a tremendous outcome.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
require experienced,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-working, and enthusiastic adults. One serious problem that can arise from prohibiting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
to refuse their job applicants due to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
is it can lead to serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
loss. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
professional positions require adequate experiences which
commonly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owned
by those in productive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
(30-35 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
).
Therefore
, in my opinion, when it
is restricted
to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
into account for selecting new employees, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
will
be dominated
by unqualified staff.
Consequently
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
will be adverse as they should pay several amounts of dollars for that employee who possesses neither
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
nor the ability to favor the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
' outcomes.

In conclusion
, there should be the availability of placement for any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
group
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it would be resulting in a decrease in the unemployment rate, and
also
, it confines the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
to recruit potential staff based on their need.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Which public place do you enjoy going to? Why do you enjoy going there? Include details and examples in your explanation. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
339 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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