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which one is better for students during breaks? taking different courses or doing voluntarily work to improving the aspects of life in city's universities. v.1

which one is better for students during breaks? taking different courses or doing voluntarily work to improving the aspects of life in city's universities. v. 1
Social media, which cannot be controlled by the parents or lecturers is a common trend among the youth in this digital age. In this essay, I will briefly discuss in terms of the problems, and some possible solutions. The internet, and technology are increasing day by day. Many applications or social media websites are dramatically used by the people, particularly young ones. Due to, it is so hard to restrict the teenagers's accounts on these websites. It should be unable to eliminate spending more time on these websites. Because of there are many content which include of sexual, violent, incorrect news. All of these, can affect the children's consciousness. They can tend to violence or other harmful tempered because of watching and sharing these videos or photos all day. On the other hand, the technology has incredible beneficial to solve, to connect easily, to communicate all around the world. Admittedly, everybody enjoys spending time in the social media, however we should in order to protect our kids its detrimental effects. To begin with, under +18 years old individuals should not have an unlimited account on the social media. These websites should enact a rule some contents are not available for them, and they should obey to rule. For example, Facebook manager ask of the users their age, they do not accept the teenagers applications. In addition, to protect the teenagers some seminars should be organized by the authorities. If they are aware of it is dangerous, they would keep control themselves. In conclusion, I restate that social media has a great influence in our life, especially the youth. Thus, to limit its connection, and content's analysing is necessary. Although, if we can educated totally in a right way our children, they will suppose whatever face it. Besides, the authorities should not forget protection of the kids is the most crucial aim. They should utilize their duty against the all communities.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
, which cannot
be controlled
by the parents or lecturers is a common trend among the youth in this digital age. In this essay, I will
briefly
discuss in terms of the problems, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
possible solutions.

The
The comma is probably incorrect: "internet"
internet,
and technology are increasing day by day.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
applications or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
websites are
dramatically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
particularly
young ones. Due to, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to restrict the
Did you mean "teenager's" or "teenagers'"?
teenagers's
accounts on these websites. It should be unable to eliminate spending more time on these websites.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of there are
Possible agreement error. The noun content seems to be countable; consider using: "many contents".
many content
which include of sexual, violent, incorrect news. All of these, can affect the children's consciousness. They can tend to violence or other harmful tempered
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of watching and sharing these videos or photos all day.

On the other hand
, the technology has incredible beneficial to solve, to connect
easily
, to communicate all around the world.
Admittedly
, everybody enjoys spending time in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
,
however
we should in order to protect our kids its detrimental effects. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, under +18 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
individuals should not have an unlimited account on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
. These websites should enact a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
contents are not available for them, and they should obey to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
.
For example
, Facebook manager ask of the users their age, they do not accept the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
applications.
In addition
, to protect the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
seminars should
be organized
by the authorities. If they are aware of it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
, they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
control themselves.

In conclusion
, I restate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
has a great influence in our life,
especially
the youth.
Thus
, to limit its connection, and content's
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
is necessary. Although, if we can
The verb 'can' requires the base form of the verb: "educate"
educated
totally
Consider replacing "in a right way" with the adverb for "right"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a right way
our children, they will suppose whatever face it.
Besides
, the authorities should not forget protection of the kids is the most crucial aim. They should utilize their duty against the all communities.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay which one is better for students during breaks? taking different courses or doing voluntarily work to improving the aspects of life in city's universities. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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