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When you have questions, do you prefer to ask advisor for help or search it through internet or library? Why? v.1

When you have questions, do you prefer to ask advisor for help or search it through internet or library? Why? v. 1
In recent years, obesity has become the most common health issue among children. Many people believe that parents of obese kids should be penalized for their role in making their children overweight. This essay disagrees with the statement because it is not possible for parents to constantly monitor what their children are eating; also, in many cases genetics play a crucial role in making children obese. First and foremost, the food consumption of children cannot be monitored by parents all the time. When children are at school, they eat snacks and junk when parents have no control over their dietary intake during this period. A child could consume a lot of unhealthy food without the knowledge and permission of their mother and father when they are left unsupervised. This routine could eventually lead to addiction towards the high calorie food and can cause a lot of fluctuations in their weight. For instance, a recent study found that the majority of students consume an average of 70% of their per day recommended calorie allowance during the school hours alone in the form of unhealthy food. Secondly, genetic issues can also cause weight inconsistencies among children and teenagers. Innate genetic disorders drop the metabolic rate and it becomes burdensome for children to maintain their body mass index. In these circumstances, there is little parents can do to help their children maintain normal weight and they should not be held accountable because it is the child’s genes that are most responsible. For example, a recent research paper found that 30% of the children in North America suffer from morbid obesity due to genetic disorders and are vulnerable to extra body fat. In conclusion, parents should not be punished if their sons or daughters are overweight because it is impractical to keep a check on their diet throughout the day and genes play a crucial role in determining the weight of a human.
In recent years, obesity has become the most common health issue among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
of obese kids should
be penalized
for their role in making their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
overweight. This essay disagrees with the statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is not possible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
constantly
monitor what their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are eating;
also
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases genetics play a crucial role in making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
obese.

First
and foremost, the food consumption of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
cannot
be monitored
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
all the time. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are at school, they eat snacks and junk when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have no control over their dietary intake during this period. A child could consume
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
unhealthy food without the knowledge and permission of their mother and father when they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
unsupervised. This routine could
eventually
lead to addiction towards the high calorie food and can cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
fluctuations in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
.
For instance
, a recent study found that the majority of students consume an average of 70% of their per day recommended calorie allowance during the school hours alone in the form of unhealthy food.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
genetic
issues can
also
cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
inconsistencies among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
. Innate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
genetic
disorders drop the metabolic rate and it becomes burdensome for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to maintain their body mass index. In these circumstances, there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can do to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
maintain normal
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
weight and
they should not
be held
accountable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is the child’s genes that are most responsible.
For example
, a recent research paper found that 30% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in North America suffer from morbid obesity due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
genetic
disorders and are vulnerable to extra body
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should not
be punished
if their sons or daughters are overweight
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is impractical to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
on their diet throughout the day and genes play a crucial role in determining the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
of a human.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay When you have questions, do you prefer to ask advisor for help or search it through internet or library? Why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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