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What was the business model in your previous jobs?

What was the business model in your previous jobs? YdyxB
I worked in a small company that is established over 20 years ago. This company has a tradition approach which is familiar to most of the company In Vietnam. It focuses on advertisement and application areas. It steps one by one in the road to gain the customer’s trust. Therefore, the company receives increasingly numerous important projects. However, it cannot expand its scale because the chief just focuses on client in overseas, and he do not do business with the customer in country. On the other hand, this job requires a level of foreign language beside designer skills. In addition, because the company have 2 teams for day and night, as consequence it is difficult to hire employee for night.
I worked in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
that
is established
over 20 years ago. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
has a tradition approach which is familiar to most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
In Vietnam. It focuses on advertisement and application areas. It steps one by one in the road to gain the customer’s trust.
Therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
receives
increasingly
numerous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
projects.
However
, it cannot expand its scale
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the chief
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
focuses on client in overseas, and he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "does", "did".
do
not do business with the customer in country.
On the other hand
, this job requires a level of foreign language beside designer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
have 2 teams for day and night, as consequence it is difficult to hire employee for night.

IELTS essay What was the business model in your previous jobs?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
120 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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