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What things need to be done in Shiraz to change it to better city?it can still make the city as better place for living.

What things need to be done in Shiraz to change it to better city? it can still make the city as better place for living. PMdaK
In my opinion Shiraz is the best city in Iran for living from so many aspects such as ancient building, brilliant handy craft, significant souvenirs, notable poet which causes for known as the capital of culture and art in the country, albeit beside whole of stunning lovely history for this city there are some criticisms for it which we will consider the most important issues in following. First of all, I would rather to criticize about out of date transporting systems which is completely inappropriate for high amounts of populations who lives and work in Shiraz. Second issue about Shiraz is economic problems which Shiraz has highest rate of unemployment among metropolises in Iran. The last but not the least is regarding increasing the landfills around city which is the causes by spreads of disease. In conclusion, If this problems can be solved the least issues in Shiraz will be eliminated but it can still make the city as better place for living.
In my opinion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Shiraz
is the best city in Iran for living from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspects such as ancient building, brilliant handy craft, significant souvenirs, notable poet which causes for known as the capital of culture and art in the country, albeit beside whole of stunning lovely history for this city there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
criticisms for it which we will consider the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
issues in following.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I would
rather
to criticize about out of date transporting systems which is completely inappropriate for high amounts of populations who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and work in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Shiraz
. Second issue about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Shiraz
is economic problems which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Shiraz
has
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
rate of unemployment among metropolises in Iran. The last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not the least is regarding increasing the landfills around city which is the causes by spreads of disease.

In conclusion
, If
Did you mean "these"?
this
problems can
be solved
the least issues in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Shiraz
will
be eliminated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it can
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the city as better place for living.
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IELTS essay What things need to be done in Shiraz to change it to better city? it can still make the city as better place for living.

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
163 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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