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What mental and physical problems may arise from excessive use of these games? How could these problems be reduced? v.1

What mental and physical problems may arise from excessive use of these games? How could these problems be reduced? v. 1
Some people said that youngster’s dependency on games use is constantly increasing, and while there are potential benefits, various negative effects stem from this too. Let us consider the main issues and then outline possible remedies. Perhaps the major health problem is related to addiction, which may be derived from excessive use of those video games, especially in technology has already developed country, this trend is normalized. This means that young people’s interpersonal skills such as communication and leadership is always deteriorating in practice due to the lack of interacting with others, resulting their academic and social achievements can be less significant. The most alarming physical impact is a sedentary lifestyle which is caused from inactive situation, and decreasing wholly mobility levels, as we seen in some situations where these problems lead to obesity and inadequate development which can be valuable to adolescent’s all-round progression. There are also concerns about impairment of balanced food diet, meaning that poor lifestyle without convenience food is accompanied with this pattern. This apparently undermines young people’s health by the way that affecting immune and digestive system which is easy to incline haphazard condition. Turning to possible solutions, perhaps the immediate step would be to promote a more active lifestyle through encouraging exercise regimes and sport’s program which would help to detoxify detrimental effects of excessive use of computer games, and ameliorates children’s daily activities as fulfilled individual schedules and giving motivation to be energetic. Potential remedies for the dangers of the mental addiction may be, firstly, an initiative to raise self-awareness of the risks of the situation, for example, co-working with a personal mentor who can always be capable of taking care children’s health, and giving warnings on notorious surroundings. To sum up, the risks posed by excessive gaming are connected to an unhealthy lifestyle and the possibility of dependency on the activity. Possible answers might involve stronger education about the dangers and health benefits of more active pursuits.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
said that youngster’s dependency on games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
is
constantly
increasing, and while there are potential benefits, various
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects stem from this too.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
us consider the main issues and then outline possible remedies.

Perhaps the major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problem
is related
to addiction, which may
be derived
from excessive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of those video games,
especially
in technology has already
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed country
, this trend
is normalized
. This means that young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as communication and leadership is always deteriorating in practice due to the lack of interacting with others, resulting their academic and social achievements can be less significant.

The most alarming physical impact is a sedentary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
which
is caused
from inactive situation, and decreasing wholly mobility levels, as we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
situations where these problems lead to obesity and inadequate development which can be valuable to adolescent’s all-round progression. There are
also
concerns about impairment of balanced food diet, meaning that poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
without convenience food is
The usual collocation for "accompany" is "by," not "with." It is better to say this: "accompanied by".
accompanied with
this pattern. This
apparently
undermines young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
by the way that affecting immune and digestive system which is easy to incline haphazard condition.

Turning to possible solutions, perhaps the immediate step would be to promote a more active
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
through encouraging exercise regimes and sport’s program which would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to detoxify detrimental effects of excessive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of computer games, and ameliorates children’s daily activities as fulfilled individual schedules and giving motivation to be energetic. Potential remedies for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of the mental addiction may be,
firstly
, an initiative to raise self-awareness of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
of the situation,
for example
, co-working with a personal mentor who can always be capable of taking care children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, and giving warnings on notorious surroundings.

To sum up, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
posed by excessive gaming
are connected
to an unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
and the possibility of dependency on the activity. Possible answers might involve stronger education about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
benefits of more active pursuits.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay What mental and physical problems may arise from excessive use of these games? How could these problems be reduced? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
325 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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