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What is your professional background, describe memorable event that happened at work and what are your career aspirations for the future?

What is your professional background, describe memorable event that happened at work and what are your career aspirations for the future? 2KB3o
I am a midwife who graduated from Guilan University of Medical Sciences in 2013. From 1392 to 1394, I worked in the obstetrics department of Imam Khomeini Monastery Hospital in Gilan, and then since 1394, I have been working in the obstetrics department of Golsar Hospital. During these years, many events have occurred that have increased my abilities and experiences. . One of the most beautiful things that happened in the delivery room all these years was that I had a patient who got thyroid cancer during pregnancy and she wanted to have an abortion in 24 weeks due to surgery and pregnancy problems. I went and we became friends and they regretted having an abortion and a normal delivery was done at 38 weeks and their cancer surprisingly improved and now they have a beautiful 3 year old son and we are still friends. Although midwifery has many challenges, but the beauties of work We are too many and we can change the future. We can have healthy mothers and these healthy mothers will deliver a healthy society and healthy children. As a midwife, I want to reach a point in the field of midwifery where I can show the midwifery community and the importance of this job to everyone, and it is the best option to promote England, which is the cradle of midwifery.
I am a midwife who graduated from
Possible spelling mistake found.
Guilan
University of Medical Sciences in 2013. From 1392 to 1394, I worked in the obstetrics department of Imam Khomeini Monastery Hospital in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Gilan
, and then since 1394, I have been working in the obstetrics department of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Golsar
Hospital. During these years,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
have occurred that have increased my abilities and experiences.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
One of the most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
things that happened in the delivery room all these years was that I had a patient who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
thyroid cancer during
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
pregnancy and
she wanted to have an abortion in 24 weeks due to surgery and pregnancy problems. I
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
went and
we became
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
friends and
they regretted having an abortion and a normal delivery
was done
at 38 weeks and their cancer
surprisingly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
they have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
When a number forms part of an adjectival compound, use a hyphen: "3-year"
3 year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
son and
we are
still
friends. Although midwifery has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
challenges,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the beauties of work We are too
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
many and
we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the future. We can have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
mothers and these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
mothers will deliver a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
society and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
children. As a midwife, I want to reach a point in the field of midwifery where I can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the midwifery community and the importance of this job to everyone, and it is the best option to promote England, which is the cradle of midwifery.

IELTS essay What is your professional background, describe memorable event that happened at work and what are your career aspirations for the future?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
226 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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