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What is an important benefit that an employer can offer to make sure employees are happy and healthy? Explain your answer. v.1

What is an important benefit that an employer can offer to make sure employees are happy and healthy? Explain your answer. v. 1
Planning for the future has been the most crucial aspect of human life. Some people argue that instead of worrying about the future, we should live in the present. This approach certainly has its own benefits, but I believe that making strategies for the future is more advantageous for a person who wants to succeed in his life. Undoubtedly, planning for the future keeps a person motivated and ambitious throughout his lifetime. In other words, an individual with clear career goals and objectives will work hard towards achieving them. For instance, my friend succeeded in IAS exam recently because started preparing for it while he was in high school itself. Hence, it goes without saying that people who plan ahead are the ones who really taste the fruit of success. Moreover, creating a master plan for the times ahead encourages a person to save money for investment in future projects such as their business goals or their children’s education. Also the money thus saved will help them tide over any financial crises that they may face in the future. For example, I have been saving money for the last few years and this habit enabled me to pay for my child’s treatment for an autoimmune disorder. However, some people assert that planning for the future is quite stressful and therefore living in the present keeps them happy and contented. Also, in their opinion, no one can change their destiny and if they are destined to lose something, they will lose it no matter what. But, in my opinion, this is not a wise strategy. Even if this is true to a certain extent, a little bit of planning will certainly help us to cope better in difficult times. In conclusion, even though future planning may be a little stressful, I believe that it in the long term it is the key to success.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Planning
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
has been the most crucial aspect of human life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that
instead
of worrying about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
, we should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the present. This approach
certainly
has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
benefits,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I believe that making strategies for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
is more advantageous for a person who wants to succeed in his life.

Undoubtedly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
planning
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
a person motivated and ambitious throughout his lifetime.
In other words
, an individual with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
career goals and objectives will work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
towards achieving them.
For instance
, my friend succeeded in IAS exam recently
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
preparing for it while he was in high school itself.
Hence
, it goes without saying that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who plan ahead are the ones who
really
taste the fruit of success.

Moreover
, creating a master plan for the times ahead encourages a person to save money for investment in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
projects such as their business goals or their children’s education.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
the money
thus
saved will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them tide over any financial crises that they may face in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
.
For example
, I have been saving money for the last few years and this habit enabled me to pay for my child’s treatment for an autoimmune disorder.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
assert that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
planning
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
is quite stressful and
therefore
living in the present
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
them happy and contented.
Also
, in their opinion, no one can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their destiny and if they
are destined
to lose something, they will lose it no matter what.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, in my opinion, this is not a wise strategy. Even if this is true to a certain extent, a
Reduce redundancy by using "little" or "bit".
little bit
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
planning
will
certainly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us to cope better in difficult times.

In conclusion
,
even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
planning
may be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
stressful, I believe that it in the long term it is the key to success.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay What is an important benefit that an employer can offer to make sure employees are happy and healthy? Explain your answer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
313 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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