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What do you believe is the most important problem facing the world today? Why is it the most important? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v.2

What do you believe is the most important problem facing the world today? Why is it the most important? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 2
I personally believe that the most pressing problem in the world right now is maternal death. Every second, we lose at least a thousand of mothers in childbirths. Not only the significant number but also the fact that it is high burden mortality causes. Additionally, the problem affects the health and quality of our future generation. Maternal death made baby motherless. With this in mind, the baby prevalent to die before the age of five at least double compared to a baby who mother survives the delivery process. The function of a family to nurture, develop, and educate the children will become defective. In a long-term, this problem will affect intelligence and health of our future generation. For example, baby without a mother unable to exclusively breastfeed for minimum 6 months thus they will lose the opportunity to consume colostrums. Colostrum is a very essential to strengthen the immune system and development of the brain. The well-developed immune system would protect the baby from diarrhoea or upper respiratory tract infection. Maternal mortality also put enormous burden in-country health expenditure. It is a fact that prevention of maternal death relied heavily on health system input. The emergency management in a complication of childbirth is costly. For instance, the emergency caesarian surgery needs an obstetrician, an anesthesiologist and an operating room. In addition, a maternal death also contributed to a loss of a productive worker. Subsequently, the country loses income from declining tax and fiscal input. Lastly, maternal death is the number one killer of women in the world. Women are half of the population. However, the aetiology of their death cannot be managed properly. This will affect economics, politics and socially simply from a cumulative number of loss life. All the things considered, I personally believe that maternal death is the most important problem in the world. The solution needs collaboration between government, the private sector, and community with a comprehensive approach from every field.
I
personally
believe that the most pressing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
in the world right
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
maternal
death. Every second, we lose at least a thousand of mothers in childbirths. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the significant number
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the fact that it is high burden mortality causes.
Additionally
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
affects the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and quality of our future generation.

Maternal death made baby motherless. With this in mind, the baby prevalent to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the age of five at least double
Possible agreement error. The noun 'compared' seems to be countable, so consider using: "compares".
compared
to a baby who mother survives the delivery process. The function of a family to nurture, develop, and educate the children will become defective. In a long-term, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
will affect intelligence and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of our future generation.
For example
, baby without a mother unable to exclusively breastfeed for minimum 6 months
thus
they will lose the opportunity to consume
Possible spelling mistake found.
colostrums
. Colostrum is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
essential to strengthen the immune system and development of the brain. The well-developed immune system would protect the baby from
Possible spelling mistake. 'diarrhoea' is British English.
diarrhoea
or upper respiratory tract infection.

Maternal mortality
also
put enormous burden in-country
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
expenditure. It is a fact that prevention of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
maternal
death relied
heavily
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
system input. The emergency management in a complication of childbirth is costly.
For instance
, the emergency
Possible spelling mistake found.
caesarian
surgery needs an obstetrician, an anesthesiologist and an operating room.
In addition
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
maternal
death
also
contributed to a loss of a productive worker.
Subsequently
, the country loses income from declining tax and fiscal input.

Lastly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
maternal
death is the number one killer of women in the world. Women are half of the population.
However
, the
Possible spelling mistake. 'aetiology' is British English.
aetiology
of their death cannot
be managed
properly
. This will affect economics, politics and
socially
simply
from a cumulative number of loss life.

All the things considered, I
personally
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
maternal
death is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
in the world. The solution needs collaboration between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
, the private sector, and community with a comprehensive approach from every field.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay What do you believe is the most important problem facing the world today? Why is it the most important? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
324 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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