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What characteristics do you think make someone a good parent. Explain why these characteristics are important to you? v.2

What characteristics do you think make someone a good parent. Explain why these characteristics are important to you? v. 2
It is true that some people argue that Universities should invest the equal quantity of money in sports sectors as in their libraries. While I believe that it is useful for students to practise sports, I completely agree that these facilities should not be funded in the same amount by universities. On the one hand, it will benefit the physical and mental condition of most students if they are encouraged to do some sports with a various presence of these facilities. Firstly, through sports, students will reduce their stress, which is accumulated from university environment. As a result, they will be able to tackle any academic problem with more concentration. Secondly, students can reduce the possibilities of contracting some disease due to their absence of physical activities. For instance, if they go regularly in these sport facilities, they may enjoy this experience and might put some more ambitious goal, such as modelling body shape and this would result, consequently, a drastic reduction of obesity and diabetes which are present constancy greater in students. On the other hand, it would be counterproductive for universities to invest the same amount of money in the sports sectors. One reason is that the main purpose of the universities is education, so the same expenditure in physical activity sectors will not bring many benefits. Another reason is that regardless the number of sports facilities, there will not be an increase of the number of students doing these activities and, as a result, it would bring more drawbacks than upsides. To overcome this problem, students should be more motivated in doing this activities and eventually change their daily habit in order to create a healthy daily routine. In conclusion, I would argue that universities should invest in sports activities without losing the concentration on their primary sector.
It is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Universities
should invest the equal quantity of money in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
as in their libraries. While I believe that it is useful for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
Possible spelling mistake. 'practise' is British English.
practise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that these facilities should not
be funded
in the same amount by universities.

On the one hand, it will benefit the physical and mental condition of most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
if they
are encouraged
to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
with a various presence of these facilities.
Firstly
, through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, which
is accumulated
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
environment.
As a result
, they will be able to tackle any academic problem with more concentration.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the possibilities of contracting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disease due to their absence of physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
For instance
, if they go
regularly
in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
facilities, they may enjoy this experience and might put
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
more ambitious goal, such as modelling body shape and this would result,
consequently
, a drastic reduction of obesity and diabetes which are present constancy greater in students.

On the other hand
, it would be counterproductive for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
to invest the same amount of money in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
. One reason is that the main purpose of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
is education,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the same expenditure in physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
will not bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits. Another reason is that regardless the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
facilities, there will not be an increase of the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
doing these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and,
as a result
, it would bring more drawbacks than upsides. To overcome this problem,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should be more motivated in doing
Did you mean "these"?
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and
eventually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their daily habit in order to create a healthy daily routine.

In conclusion
, I would argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
should invest in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
without losing the concentration on their primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
You live a new life for every new language you speak. If you know only one language, you live only once.
Czech Proverb

IELTS essay What characteristics do you think make someone a good parent. Explain why these characteristics are important to you? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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