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Discuss the relevance of study history. Do you think preserving historical monuments is a waste of effort and money? v.1

Discuss the relevance of study history. Do you think preserving historical monuments is a waste of effort and money? v. 1
It is often said that being wealthy is the most important thing to make one's life merry. Money will definitely make a person happy, but there might me other important things for being happy. Money makes everyone happy for the following reasons. Firstly, having a lot of money gives you the access to all the basic and advanced amenities which otherwise we would have to strive through for. For example, I can have a hygienic swimming pool in my backyard all for myself if I were rich and not go to the pool in the community sharing with others and be uneasy with the thought that someone might have peed in there. Secondly, it makes people reaching their goals easily and quickly. Let suppose I wanted to become a pilot. But pilot training costs at least $7000 in SF Bay Area. If have enough of money, I could just take the training and become pilots. Otherwise, I would have to look out for a school or organization that offer scholarships or take an education loan thus making it a longer and harder. Happiness is a state of mind with less or no worries. Having said that, there are two main things that lead to less worries and thus happier. Firstly, healthy mind. It makes you be positive and makes you decisive. For instance, a clear mind would let me take the right measures to make my coffee shop hassle-free and effective. Secondly, loved ones. No one's life is perfect. Everyone has their high and lows. But having a loved one to share your sadness or happiness and having a shoulder to cry on makes you less worried. To conclude, even though, money brings a lot of fun, convenience and entertainment which in turn make anyone happy, the real happiness lies in being healthy and with loved ones.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
said that being wealthy is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
thing to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
one's life merry.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
will definitely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a person happy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there might me other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
things for being happy.

Money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
everyone happy for the following reasons.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
gives you the access to all the basic and advanced amenities which
otherwise
we would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
strive through for.
For example
, I can have a hygienic swimming pool in my backyard all for myself if I were rich and not go to the pool in the community sharing with others and be uneasy with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that someone might have peed in there.

Secondly
, it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
reaching their goals
easily
and
quickly
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
suppose I wanted to become a pilot.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
pilot training costs at least $7000 in SF Bay Area. If have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, I could
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
take the training and become pilots.
Otherwise
, I would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
look out for a school or organization that offer scholarships or take an education loan
thus
making it a longer and harder.

Happiness is a state of mind with less or no worries.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Having
said that, there are two main things that lead to
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun worries is countable.
less
worries and
thus
happier.
Firstly
, healthy mind. It
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
you be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
you decisive.
For instance
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
mind would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
me take the right measures to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
my coffee shop hassle-free and effective.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
. No one's life is perfect. Everyone has their high and lows.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
one to share your sadness or happiness and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a shoulder to cry on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
you less worried.

To conclude
,
even though
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
fun, convenience and entertainment which in turn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
anyone happy, the real happiness lies in being healthy and with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learn a new language and get a new soul.
Czech Proverb

IELTS essay Discuss the relevance of study history. Do you think preserving historical monuments is a waste of effort and money? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
307 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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