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What change would you recommend your community make to make your community a better place to live in? Explain why. Include reasons and examples to support your response. v.1

What change would you recommend your community make to make your community a better place to live in? Explain why. Include reasons and examples to support your response. v. 1
Knowledge can be obtained either by reading books or by practicing in daily life activity. Whether knowledge gained by reading is more valuable and significant than that by practicing depends on the social status, professional occupation and the stage of individual lives. The essay will compare and contrast them and then will present my opinion. From the ancient time to the contemporary era, books are primary resources of knowledge for people, especially professionals. For example, becoming a doctor, a lawyer or a scientist includes long-period theoretical fundamental  education in classes. Without mastering the essential principle, it is impossible for doctors to treat their patients, for lawyers to go to court, and for scientists to invent more high-tech items. Then all these professionals will continually hone skills during their daily practice. However, knowledge learned during daily real practice has an important role for certain occupations, such as plumber, wielder, and so on, require practical skills rather than theoretical one. They gain their skills and competence by on-job training or during their apprenticeships. Although books and experience are both essential for growing of wisdom,  knowledge obtained by reading is significantly different from that during real practice. Reading textbooks, guidelines and research articles is a fast and convenient method to gain knowledge. Moreover, content gathered and documented in all these books are precise and reliable. While, skills learned during hand-on practice may be easy for learners to understand and last long in their memories. However, they are limited to person and various among individuals. In terms of education, I will definitely advocate that learning from books for principles and theories are crucial for pupils and help them to be ready for further studies in high school and then in universities. After graduating from universities, real-life practice in an individual's career will help polish them wisdom and create novel ideas as well.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Knowledge
can
be obtained
either by reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
or by practicing in daily life activity. Whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
gained by reading is more valuable and significant than that by practicing depends on the social status, professional occupation and the stage of individual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. The essay will compare and contrast them and then will present my opinion.

From the ancient time to the contemporary era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
are primary resources of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
especially
 professionals.
For example
, becoming a doctor, a lawyer or a scientist includes long-period theoretical fundamental
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
education in classes. Without mastering the essential principle, it is impossible for doctors to treat their patients, for lawyers to go to court, and for scientists to invent more high-tech items. Then all these professionals will
continually
hone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
during their daily practice.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
learned during daily real practice has an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
 role for certain occupations, such as plumber, wielder, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on, require practical 
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
rather
than theoretical one. They gain their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and competence by on-job training or during their apprenticeships.

Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
and experience are both essential for growing of wisdom,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
 knowledge
obtained by reading is
significantly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
 from that during real practice. Reading textbooks, guidelines and research articles is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
and convenient method to gain knowledge.
Moreover
, content gathered and documented in all these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
are precise and reliable. While,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
learned during hand-on practice may be easy for learners to understand and last long in their memories.
However
, they
are limited
to person and various among individuals.

In terms of education, I will definitely advocate that learning from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
for principles and theories are crucial for pupils and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to be ready for
further
studies in high school and then in universities. After graduating from universities, real-life practice in an individual's career will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
polish them wisdom and create novel
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
as well
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay What change would you recommend your community make to make your community a better place to live in? Explain why. Include reasons and examples to support your response. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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