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What change would make your hometown more appealing to people your age?

What change would make your hometown more appealing to people your age? AJwjN
I live in the capital of my country; however, I believe sea changes should have been taken to make my hometown appealing for young people between 20 to 25 who are of the same ages as me. I am going to mention a couple of changes in the following paragraphs. To begin with, we do not have various places to spend our free time and get energy. For example, the first and the last places we go on weekends are restaurants and shopping centers. There are no safe amusement parks or sport facilities for doing leisure activities, such as biking, running, horse riding, and fishing. The government should invest money more in developing amusement facilities, parks, and sports centers instead of cutting trees and constructing apartments and big malls all over the city. Secondly, we have some serious issues in our universities system. we cannot benefit from various numbers of prestigious universities in our city. Since students from other cities can study in our hometown, there are not enough places for us to continue our education. Secondly, during the education period, students do have not great opportunities for part-time jobs and funding. Furthermore, after graduation, there are not enough jobs for educated persons. Therefore, most students in my age prefer to migrate to other countries for educating and finding a decent job. I think more universities should be constructed and more knowledgeable professors should be employed, also, the connection between universities intakes and companies job requirements should be balanced, otherwise, young talented students migrate from early ages. Finally, the cost of living in our city unbelievably is high and the inflation rate is not linear and predictable. Annual salaries for People my age are not enough, so, they find it difficult to start making a new life or even buy a small house for many years. If the governments do not solve this problem as soon as possible, young people lose their passion for progression in life. In conclusion, even though there are serious issues in my cities, such as lack of amusement facilities, few numbers of universities and job opportunities and high cost of living, if the governments try to solve them by helping city potentials and investing more money on infrastructures, my home town will be a great living place.
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the capital of my country;
however
, I believe sea
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
should have
been taken
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
my hometown appealing for young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 20 and 25".
between 20 to 25
who are of the same ages as me. I am going to mention a couple of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in the following paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, we do not have various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
to spend our free time and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
energy.
For example
, the
first
and the last
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
we go on weekends are restaurants and shopping centers. There are no safe amusement parks or sport facilities for doing leisure activities, such as biking, running, horse riding, and fishing. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should invest money more in developing amusement facilities, parks, and sports centers
instead
of cutting trees and constructing apartments and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
malls all over the city.

Secondly
, we have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
serious issues in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
system.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
we
cannot benefit from various numbers of prestigious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
in our city. Since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
from other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
can study in our hometown, there are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
for us to continue our education.
Secondly
, during the education period,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
do have not great opportunities for part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
and funding.
Furthermore
, after graduation, there are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
for educated persons.
Therefore
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in my age prefer to migrate to other countries for educating and finding a decent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
should
be constructed
and more knowledgeable professors should
be employed
,
also
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
connection between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
intakes and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
requirements should
be balanced
,
otherwise
, young talented
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
migrate from early ages.

Finally
, the cost of living in our city
unbelievably
is high and the inflation rate is not linear and predictable. Annual salaries for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
my age are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, they find it difficult to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
making a new life or even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years. If the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
do not solve this problem as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
lose their passion for progression in life.

In conclusion
,
even though
there are serious issues in my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
, such as lack of amusement facilities, few numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunities and high cost of living, if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
try to solve them by helping city potentials and investing more money on infrastructures, my home town will be a great living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
.
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IELTS essay What change would make your hometown more appealing to people your age?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
382 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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