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What can be done to help children develop a healthier balance in their lives?

What can be done to help children develop a healthier balance in their lives? jRknw
Nowadays, a lot of children have become addicted to electronic devices. And indeed, it has bad consequences. Using the telephone diminishes attention, leads to nomophobia, and also causes problems such as insomnia and myopia. To begin with, it is important to set the limits, it will provide reducing the amount of using gadgets. This process of scheduling is, in fact, efficient. You will not be distracted from work, as your thoughts will be concentrated on one thing. Secondly, parents know their children behavior best, so they should offer their children some hobbies or interests. By proposing hobbies or interests, kids should deviate from their telephones. They just won’t have time for any devices. Finally, motivation plays a big role in the cessation of a bad habit. If the child has any motivation, he won’t spend his time on the phone. In conclusion, I want to say, that now kids are living in electronic devices, it’s become their main topic of discussion and, by taking the phone away from the child, we, unfortunately, take away from them the communication with their peers. We can't forbid using it, but we can propose an alternative.
Nowadays,
a lot of
children have become addicted to electronic devices. And
indeed
, it has
bad
consequences. Using the telephone diminishes attention, leads to
nomophobia
, and
also
causes problems such as insomnia and myopia.

To
begin
with, it is
important
to set the limits, it will provide reducing the amount of using gadgets. This process of scheduling is, in fact, efficient. You will not
be distracted
from work, as your thoughts will
be concentrated
on one thing.

Secondly
, parents know their children behavior best,
so
they should offer their children
some
hobbies or interests. By proposing hobbies or interests, kids should deviate from their telephones. They
just
won’t have time for any devices.

Finally
, motivation plays a
big
role in the cessation of a
bad
habit. If the child has any motivation, he won’t spend his time on the phone.

In conclusion
, I want to say, that
now
kids are living in electronic devices, it’s become their main topic of discussion and, by taking the phone away from the child, we, unfortunately, take away from them the communication with their peers. We can't forbid using it,
but
we can propose an alternative.
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IELTS essay What can be done to help children develop a healthier balance in their lives?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
192 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
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