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What are the possible effects of living long on an individual and on the whole society? Give some examples for and against according to your knowledge. v.2

What are the possible effects of living long on an individual and on the whole society? Give some examples for and against according to your knowledge. v. 2
Mankind since ancient times has always looked for ways to increase the length of their life span. They believe that by living a healthy life free from everyday challenges and stresses in a countryside can help them to attain long life, while few are still cracking the myth to discover water well to achieve eternal life. Longevity has its own merits and demerits both on individual and global levels which will be analysed in this essay. There are many merits associated with longevity, such as people can share the achievements and other memorable events of their grandchildren like their marriages or birth. Some people believe that increased life span can give them a chance to complete their unfinished work which they have dreamed for. For instance, my grandfather’s long life helped him to complete his book over History of Jarcha Community which he quit working over due to increased responsibilities when he was in his 40's. Senior citizens can render valuable advice which can be fruitful for the society over time. Furthermore, their experience and knowledge can be used to educate youth which can result in marvels. On the contrary, old people can become a burden on the family and on the government. More funds would be required to meet their medical, housing and other living expenses dispersed to them in the form of pensions and other funds. These funds are collected in the form of tax from youth. With older people in rise, we can lose their senses and their thinking can be impaired while working on key positions their decisions can be drastic for the welfare of the society. Moreover, their way of living results in conflicts with the youth which disturb the family environment and relationship. For instance, senior people don't like noise and they tend to sleep early, which give rise to conflicts when adolescent want to celebrate late night parties. To recapitulate, the aforementioned provides some plausible argument on both views. Increase life expectancy has both positive and negative aspects associated with it and it depends on people how they take it forward.
Mankind since ancient times has always looked for ways to increase the length of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
span. They believe that by living a healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
free from everyday challenges and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stresses
in a countryside can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to attain long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, while few are
still
cracking the myth to discover water well to achieve eternal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Longevity has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
merits and demerits both on individual and global levels which will be
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysed' is British English.
analysed
in this essay.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
merits associated with longevity, such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can share the achievements and other memorable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
of their grandchildren like their marriages or birth.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that increased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
span can give them a chance to complete their unfinished work which they have dreamed for.
For instance
, my grandfather’s long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
him to complete his book over History of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Jarcha
Community which he quit working over due to increased responsibilities when he was in his
Apostrophes aren't needed for decades: "40s".
40's
. Senior citizens can render valuable advice which can be fruitful for the society over time.
Furthermore
, their experience and knowledge can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to educate youth which can result in marvels.

On the contrary
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can become a burden on the family and on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
. More funds would
be required
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their medical, housing and other living expenses dispersed to them in the form of pensions and other funds. These funds
are collected
in the form of tax from youth. With older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in rise, we can lose their senses and their thinking can
be impaired
while working on key positions their decisions can be drastic for the welfare of the society.
Moreover
, their way of living results in conflicts with the youth which disturb the family environment and relationship.
For instance
, senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
don't like
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
noise and
they tend to sleep early, which give rise to conflicts when adolescent want to celebrate late night parties.

To recapitulate, the aforementioned provides
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
plausible argument on both views. Increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy has both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects associated with it and it depends on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
how they take it forward.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay What are the possible effects of living long on an individual and on the whole society? Give some examples for and against according to your knowledge. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
348 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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