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What are the main reasons which lead to obesity in a modern world?

What are the main reasons which lead to obesity in a modern world? pKkn0
It's kind of disappointing when we'd find out range of obesity is increasing day by day and it will be worse if we realize the reasons of overweighting in modern world include air pollution, environmental changes, politician dicition but crucial ones are tend to have fast foods, genetically changes and advancement of technology. Whenever obesity is come the advancement of technology can not be neglected. In the past humans have had different habit for eating food. Eating was a precious activity and people usually used to spend more times for that, (at least 2 to 3 hours per day) because it was a occasion opportunity for chatting and communicating with family and friends. In contrast, nowadays due to this rapid advancement of technology you must keep working permanently to keep yourself in the rat race, unfortunately whether you'd like or not, the time of having meal has been decreased and you have to have your meal faster, so you swallow your meal on a blink and the result is clear! Your brain still needs food while your stomach is full of it and definitely there is no space to send a report to your brain and you will carry on eating, receive more portion and start to get fat! Furthermore, this technology development is become inseparable part of society, as I mentioned people must to work more and more, maybe 12 hours per day and obviously they have less time to cook a nutrition food, they just rather to lean back in their chair at work or sit on sofa at home and order a fast food to quench their starving after a busy day even although that food includes piles of fat. They turn their nose up to any food needs a few hours to serve. Also they use the same rule for each action of daily basis, for instance, they buy a smart vacuum cleaner to clean the house instead of themselves. So this solution considerably makes them comfort-loving and after a while immobility and laziness will have overcome them and in a long term it wil affects their Gen's! To sum up, based of evidences in spite of technology is not only reason of obesity, it looks it have most effects on it unless the people would learn how much exactly they should use it in their life! #assignment7 @alikashani1991
It's kind of disappointing when we'd find out range of obesity is increasing day by day and it will be worse if we realize the reasons of
Possible spelling mistake found.
overweighting
in modern world include air pollution, environmental
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
, politician
Possible spelling mistake found.
dicition
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
crucial ones are
Consider using a past participle here: "tended".
tend
to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
,
genetically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
and advancement of technology.

“Whenever” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whenever
obesity is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
the advancement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
can not
be neglected
. In the past humans have had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
habit for eating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. Eating was a precious activity and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to spend more times for that, (at least 2 to 3 hours per day)
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it was
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
occasion opportunity for chatting and communicating with family and friends.
In contrast
, nowadays due to this rapid advancement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
working
permanently
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
yourself in the rat race, unfortunately whether you'd like or not, the time of having meal has
been decreased
and you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
have your meal faster,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
you swallow your meal on a blink and the result is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
! Your brain
still
needs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
while your stomach is full of it and definitely there is no space to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
a report to your brain and you will carry on eating, receive more portion and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
!

Furthermore
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
development
is become
inseparable part of society, as I mentioned
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
After 'must', the verb is used without 'to'. Probably, you should use "must" or "have to" here.
must to
work more and more, maybe 12 hours per day and
obviously
they have less time to cook a nutrition
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
rather
to lean back in their chair at work or sit on sofa at home and order a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
to quench their starving after a busy day even although that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
includes piles of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
. They turn their nose up to any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
needs a few hours to serve.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the same
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
for each action of daily basis,
for instance
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a smart vacuum cleaner to clean the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
instead
of themselves.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
this solution
considerably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them comfort-loving and after a while immobility and laziness will have overcome them and in a long term it
Possible spelling mistake found.
wil
affects their Gen's!

To sum up, based of evidences
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
reason of obesity, it looks it have most effects on it unless the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would learn how much exactly they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it in their life!

#assignment7 @alikashani1991
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IELTS essay What are the main reasons which lead to obesity in a modern world?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
392 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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