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What are the factors to enable a longer life?

What are the factors to enable a longer life? yRVMP
Human society has experienced many revolutions in various fields so far. As a result, it is accompanied with numerous factors that make it possible for people to Iive longer. There are three major causes namely food, healthcare and physical exercise. Firstly, it is undeniable that food plays such important role in contributing to extension of human’s lifespan. With the enhancement of foodstuff quality, especially organic food, people can not only enjoy food safety but also be provided with acceptable nutrition content to meet body’s demand. Moreover, citizens nowadays are well-equipped with essential knowledge about having proper balanced diet for each age group and what they had better eat in restricted amount like junk food, carbonated beverage or those with high preservative substance which extremely do harm to themselves. Secondly, better detection and health treatment also prolong people life expectancy. It can be obviously observed that more and more hospitals furnished with modern facilities are constructed to serve residents’ health purposes. In addition, with the development of advanced medical services, beside getting vaccinated, patients can be cured as symptoms of many kinds of diseases can be diagnosed so doctors are able to take timely measure to increase the patients’ survival rate. For instance, many surgeries requiring expertise like organ transplant can be conducted to treat people who unfortunately suffer from fatal diseases. Finally, exercise is one of the most effective methods for individuals to lead longer lives. Regular sport is not only a way to build up physical strength but also a great therapy for mental health. For all ages, exercise helps to improve fitness-levels and also amend immune system, which greatly prevent body from catching diseases. On the other hand, for psychological benefits, people can get over negative thinkings to live more optimistically and play an interested sport will help them release stress after a hard working or school day. In conclusion, I think citizens are likely to live longer today than ever before due to changes in all aspects. High-quality food, medical treatment and physical training are those important factors ensuring longevity.
Human society has experienced
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
revolutions in various fields
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
far.
As a result
, it is
The usual collocation for "accompany" is "by," not "with." It is better to say this: "accompanied by".
accompanied with
numerous factors that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it possible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
Possible spelling mistake found.
Iive
longer. There are three major causes
namely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, healthcare and physical exercise.

Firstly
, it is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
plays such
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in contributing to extension of human’s lifespan. With the enhancement of foodstuff quality,
especially
organic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
enjoy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
safety
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
be provided
with acceptable nutrition content to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
body’s demand.
Moreover
, citizens nowadays are well-equipped with essential knowledge about having proper balanced diet for each age group and what they had better eat in restricted amount like junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, carbonated beverage or those with high preservative substance which
extremely
do harm to themselves.

Secondly
, better detection and health treatment
also
prolong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
life expectancy. It can be
obviously
observed that more and more hospitals furnished with modern facilities
are constructed
to serve residents’ health purposes.
In addition
, with the development of advanced medical services, beside getting vaccinated, patients can
be cured
as symptoms of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
kinds of diseases can
be diagnosed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
doctors are able to take timely measure to increase the patients’ survival rate.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
surgeries requiring expertise like organ transplant can
be conducted
to treat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who unfortunately suffer from fatal diseases.

Finally
, exercise is one of the most effective methods for individuals to lead longer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. Regular sport is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a way to build up physical strength
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
a great therapy for mental health. For all ages, exercise
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
fitness-levels and
also
amend immune system, which
greatly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
body from catching diseases.
On the other hand
, for psychological benefits,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
over
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
Possible spelling mistake found.
thinkings
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
more
optimistically
and play an interested sport will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them release
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
after a
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
hard working
or school day.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
citizens are likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
longer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
due to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in all aspects. High-quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, medical treatment and physical training are those
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factors ensuring longevity.
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IELTS essay What are the factors to enable a longer life?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
343 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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