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What are the causes of mass migration in some countries?

What are the causes of mass migration in some countries? 8gDV5
There are some reasons why people leave their homeland. Firstly, the critical factor in immigration is an intense desire for better life quality. Many people who live in third-world or developing countries moved to developed countries to escape poverty by finding better employment opportunities and, therefore, higher revenue and prosperity. In other words, immigrants are seeking a convenient future for themselves and their family members. Another reason that motivates people to cross borders is cultural and religious conflict in their homeland. For instance, women in Islamic countries, like Saudi Arabia, are not equal to men, and there is a lot of restriction. Thus the only way to get rid of this hardship is migration. Furthermore, many people abandon their own country to seek security and safety. People who live in countries involved in civil war, such as Afghanistan, wanted to escape from war, violence, and danger.
There are
some
reasons why
people
leave
their homeland.
Firstly
, the critical factor in immigration is an intense desire for better life quality.
Many
people
who
live
in third-world or developing
countries
moved
to developed
countries
to escape poverty by finding better employment opportunities and,
therefore
, higher revenue and prosperity.
In other words
, immigrants are seeking a convenient future for themselves and their family members. Another reason that motivates
people
to cross borders is cultural and religious conflict in their homeland.
For instance
, women in Islamic
countries
, like Saudi Arabia, are not equal to
men
, and there is
a lot of
restriction.
Thus
the
only
way to
get
rid of this hardship is migration.
Furthermore
,
many
people
abandon their
own
country
to seek security and safety.
People
who
live
in
countries
involved in civil war, such as Afghanistan, wanted to escape from war, violence, and
danger
.
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IELTS essay What are the causes of mass migration in some countries?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
146 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
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