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What are the causes of animals' extinction?

What are the causes of animals' extinction? KVwQ0
Currently, the extinction of animals has risen to an alarming rate. There are many reasons why animals become endangered, however, the rooted causes for those extinctions are human activities. Firstly, overhunting has caused many animals to the brink of extinction. In fact, hunting is a kind of sports in some countries. For instance, in UK, the royals have the practice of hunting animals, especially during the Boxing day. On the other hand, some people in China or some other Asia countries consider wild animals' body part such as bones, ivory as alternative medicine. Evidently, illegal hunting trade is the fourth largest criminal industry in the world. Secondly, people are destroying animals’ habitats due to the overpopulation. Rapid population growth means humans’ demands has also increased. To gratify demands for lands such as agricultural crops, accommodation, factory construction, people cut down trees lead to animals’ shelters destruction. In addition, waste from household or factories such as plastic have caused water pollution, leading to the loss of habitat of sea animals. All in all, people should take actions to reduce the disappearance of animals.
Currently
, the extinction of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
has risen to an alarming rate. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
become endangered,
however
, the rooted causes for those extinctions are human activities.
Firstly
, overhunting has caused
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
to the brink of extinction. In fact, hunting is a kind of sports in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries.
For instance
, in UK, the royals have the practice of hunting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
,
especially
during the
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Boxing day
.
On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in China or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other Asia countries consider wild animals' body part such as bones, ivory as alternative medicine.
Evidently
, illegal hunting trade is the fourth largest criminal industry in the world.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are destroying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals’
habitats due to the overpopulation. Rapid population growth means humans’ demands has
also
increased. To gratify demands for lands such as agricultural crops, accommodation, factory construction,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
down trees lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals’
shelters destruction.
In addition
, waste from household or factories such as plastic have caused water pollution, leading to the loss of habitat of sea
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
. All in all,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should take actions to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the disappearance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
.
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IELTS essay What are the causes of animals' extinction?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
182 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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