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Wealthy countries should accept more refugees and provide them with basic assistance, such as food and housing. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.19

Wealthy countries should accept more refugees and provide them with basic assistance, such as food and housing. v. 19
It is argued by some that the asylum seeker should be provided shelter and daily basic needs by developed nations. I completely agree with this statement, and this essay will argue that why it should be done. Accepting refugees could be beneficial to that country and that person as well. Although some countries are wealthy, they are still facing other issues like population. For Example, Canada and New Zealand have so less population. In Canada, there are only 36 million citizens. This problem may put them on the verge of extinction of humans. By accepting these people, these countries can boost their rate of population and immigrants will get shelter too. Later, they will work for some company and rate of unemployment will reduce as well. In addition to this, if these countries will start hiring skilled refugees, they can make big positive impact on their nation. For example, so many CEO of prominent companies is from other countries such as Google, MSN, Master-Card etc. These workers can boost economy of their province, so the people of that region would get more public facility like free electricity, free internet and so many other facilities. A recent study of displaced persons is conducted by the University of Alberta shows that South Africa, which has the most numbers of refugees in compare to others, has the highest quality of education. To conclude, accepting abandoned people, not only the economy of that country rises, but those people gets new life to live. The nation and refugees will grow together.
It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that the asylum seeker should
be provided
shelter and daily basic needs by developed nations. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement, and this essay will argue that why it should
be done
.

Accepting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
refugees
could be beneficial to that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and that person
as well
. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are wealthy, they are
still
facing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
issues like population.
For Example
, Canada and New Zealand have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
less population. In Canada, there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
36 million citizens. This problem may put them on the verge of extinction of humans. By accepting these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
can boost their rate of population and immigrants will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
shelter too. Later, they will work for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
and rate of unemployment will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
as well
.

In addition
to this, if these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
hiring skilled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
refugees
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on their nation.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
Possible agreement error. The noun CEO seems to be countable; consider using: "many CEOs".
many CEO
of prominent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
is from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
such as Google, MSN, Master-Card etc. These workers can boost economy of their province,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of that region would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more public facility like free electricity, free internet and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
facilities. A recent study of displaced persons
is conducted
by the University of Alberta
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that South Africa, which has the most numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
refugees
in compare to others, has the highest quality of education.

To conclude
, accepting abandoned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the economy of that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
rises,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
gets
new life to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
. The nation and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
refugees
will grow together.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Wealthy countries should accept more refugees and provide them with basic assistance, such as food and housing. v. 19

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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