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We should introduce laws to me business and state services employee equal numbers of male and female workers in every department or area of the company how far do you support this idea v.1

We should introduce laws to me business and state services employee equal numbers of male and female workers in every department or area of the company how far do you support this idea v. 1
The issue of gender equality in various sectors of employment is of utmost importance. I therefore strongly believe that legislation should be introduced in both business and service Industries that guarantee the equal number of participation by both sexes. The main reason for this is to maintain a balance in the employment system. That is to say neither men nor women should be deprived of choosing a career due to lack of prospective job opportunities. In addition, introducing the laws that ensure equal opportunities right will also lead to an increase in the literacy rate of society. For instance, in many underdeveloped nations where males are generally considered to be the sole breadwinners and females are thus deprived of even the basic educational right. With laws affirming equal employment rates even the marginalised gender will be able to not only seek education, but also earn a living for the household. Thus, raising the overall educational status of a society. On the other hand the need for equal male and female presentation on workforce if extremely essential because it avoids unnecessary suffering of a Society due to the shortage of the skilled personnel. For example, in many parts of the world where medical field has a comparatively larger proportion of female workers like doctors and nurses. Although not always true, but many times females are reluctant to work in rural areas due to a myriad of reasons which can create an employment vacuum that is difficult to fill. this problem of shortage of skilled worker can be avoided by allowing and equal quotas of males and females in the workforce so deficiency of one can be overcome by other In conclusion, I strongly agree that the Society can benefit from regulations that encourage equal male and female representation in the work industry. This is because it creates a balance as well as act as a buffer to meet the need of society when required
The issue of gender equality in various sectors of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
is of utmost importance. I
therefore
strongly
believe that legislation should
be introduced
in both business and service Industries that guarantee the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equal
number of participation by both sexes.

The main reason for this is to maintain a balance in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
system.
That is
to say neither
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
nor women should
be deprived
of choosing a career due to lack of prospective job opportunities.
In addition
, introducing the laws that ensure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equal
opportunities right will
also
lead to an increase in the literacy rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
For instance
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
underdeveloped nations where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
are
generally
considered to be the sole breadwinners and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
are
thus
deprived of even the basic educational right. With laws affirming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
rates even the
Possible spelling mistake. 'marginalised' is British English.
marginalised
gender will be able to not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
seek education,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
earn a living for the household.
Thus
, raising the
overall
educational status of a society.

On the other hand
the need for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equal
male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
presentation on workforce if
extremely
essential
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it avoids unnecessary
The usual preposition for this expression is "from" or "with." Did you mean "suffering from" or "suffering with"?
suffering of
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Society
due to the shortage of the skilled personnel.
For example
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parts of the world where medical field has a
comparatively
larger proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
workers like doctors and nurses. Although not always true,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
times
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
are reluctant to work in rural areas due to a myriad of reasons which can create an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
vacuum
that is
difficult to fill.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
this
problem of shortage of skilled worker can
be avoided
by allowing and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equal
quotas of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
in the workforce
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
deficiency of one can
be overcome
by other

In conclusion
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Society
can benefit from regulations that encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equal
male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
representation in the work industry. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it creates a balance
as well
as act as a buffer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the need of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
when
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
required
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay We should introduce laws to me business and state services employee equal numbers of male and female workers in every department or area of the company how far do you support this idea v. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
322 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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