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We should introduce laws to make businesses and state services employ equal numbersof male and female workers in every department or area of the company. v.2

We should introduce laws to make businesses and state services employ equal numbersof male and female workers in every department or area of the company. v. 2
There are numerous objections towards the policy of employment throughout the world. It is claimed by people that authorities should impose laws in which force corporations and organizations to employ employees of both gender equally in all sector. I strongly believe this idea and I am going to delve deeply into this issue. On the one hand, having equal number of woman and men would bring large number of benefits to communities. Firstly, it would build up the frequency of skilled and experienced work-forces which would effectively contribute to boost in all parts of a country. As everyone know, woman are struggling hardly with discrimination that is running against them in finding job opportunities. Hence, heads of nations should pass laws that ease the way female could have job as much as men. Subsequently, these actions would not only lead to more bright female generation in the future, but also they could bring up their child with more knowledge and appropriate perspective about future. On the other hand, not having woman in job sectors such as industry and official jobs could illustrate negative consequences. For instance, there are several position that women could get through and excel better than men such tasks which are related to education and nursing. Thus, not having adequate female experts would result in hazardous effects on this sector of community. Furthermore, in art sector and designing that is needy of tender heart and artistic mind, women could take part exemplary. Of course, I think female are able to attend and be employed in every sector of industry and organization, so by unifying their efforts they could handle all the jobs whatever are their beloved. To conclude, woman and men should possess the same proportion of job opportunity in either industry or organization. Not only would these result in having elite and skilled future generation, but also our society would benefit of having adequate adept and versatile expert and workforces in all area of community.
There are numerous objections towards the policy of employment throughout the world. It
is claimed
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that authorities should impose laws in which force corporations and organizations to employ employees of both gender
equally
in all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
. I
strongly
believe this
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
idea and
I am going to delve
deeply
into this issue.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
equal number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
woman
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
would bring large number of benefits to communities.
Firstly
, it would build up the frequency of skilled and experienced work-forces which would
effectively
contribute to boost in all parts of a country. As everyone
The pronoun 'everyone' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "knows", "knew".
know
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
woman
are struggling hardly with discrimination
that is
running against them in finding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunities.
Hence
, heads of nations should pass laws that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
could have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
as much as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
.
Subsequently
, these actions would not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
lead to more bright
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
generation in the future,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they could bring up their child with more knowledge and appropriate perspective about future.

On the other hand
, not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
woman
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
such as industry and official
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
could illustrate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences.
For instance
, there are
Possible agreement error. The noun position seems to be countable; consider using: "several positions".
several position
that women could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
through and excel better than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
such tasks which
are related
to education and nursing.
Thus
, not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
adequate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
experts would result in hazardous effects on this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
of community.
Furthermore
, in art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
and designing
that is
needy of tender heart and artistic mind, women could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
exemplary.
Of course
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
are able to attend and
be employed
in every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
of industry and organization,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
by unifying their efforts they could handle all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
whatever are their beloved.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
woman
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
should possess the same proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunity in either industry or organization. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
would these result in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
elite and skilled future generation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
our society would benefit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
adequate adept and versatile expert and
Possible spelling mistake found.
workforces
in all area of community.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay We should introduce laws to make businesses and state services employ equal numbersof male and female workers in every department or area of the company. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
329 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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