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We live in a world of technology these days While the internet brings with it clear advantages the problems in terms of control and security of information outweighs the advantages To what extent do you agree v.1

We live in a world of technology these days While the internet brings with it clear advantages the problems in terms of control and security of information outweighs the advantages 1
In today’s world, there’s a TV in every household. Television is used for various entertaining & general awareness purposes like watching movies, drama, news, sports etc. Television has helped in bringing the world together and connecting people. But there’s a saying that “too much of everything is bad”, so people who are watching too much of the television in their free time or in most of their time, it has made them lazy and they are restricted to one place only because of which they don’t interact with the outside world. Firstly, I would like to highlight that people are becoming lazy because of their exposure to too much of television. For Example – I have one nephew, who is in Class 5, once he is back from school at 2 PM, he starts watching TV until 6 PM i. e. 4 hours of his productiveness. Moreover, this continuous exposure of 4 hours makes him lethargic and he is not able to do any other task until he goes to sleep. In addition to this, he has started having headaches from last 1 month now. Secondly, this habit of watching TV in free time has made people disconnected with the outside world, now people are much more restricted to their own home and comfort zone. Continuing with the above example of my nephew, as he spends most of his free time in front of television so that’s why he is not able to go to dance class, singing class etc. Where if he would have gone, he could have made & met more people and would have made friends. But eventually TV disconnected him from the outside world. To conclude, to avoid these harms of watching too much TV, one needs to regulate and limit their exposure to TV.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world, there’s a TV in every household.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Television
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for various entertaining & general awareness purposes like watching movies, drama, news, sports etc.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Television
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
in bringing the world together and connecting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
there’s a saying that “too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
of everything is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
”,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are watching too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
in their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
or in most of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, it has made them
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
lazy and
they
are restricted
to one place
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of which they don’t interact with the outside world.

Firstly
, I would like to highlight that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are becoming lazy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their exposure to too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
.
For Example
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
I have one nephew, who is in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Class
5, once he is back from school at 2 PM, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
watching TV until 6 PM
There should be no space here: "i.e.".
i. e.
4 hours of his productiveness.
Moreover
, this continuous exposure of 4 hours
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
him
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
lethargic and
he is not able to do any other task until he goes to sleep.
In addition
to this, he has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
having headaches from last 1 month
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

Secondly
, this habit of watching TV in free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
has made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
disconnected with the outside world,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
more restricted to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
home and comfort zone. Continuing with the above example of my nephew, as he spends most of his free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in front of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that’s why he is not able to go to dance
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, singing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
etc. Where if he
Did you mean "had gone"?
would have gone
, he could have made & met more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and would have made friends.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
eventually
TV disconnected him from the outside world.

To conclude
, to avoid these harms of watching too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
TV, one needs to regulate and limit their exposure to TV.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay We live in a world of technology these days While the internet brings with it clear advantages the problems in terms of control and security of information outweighs the advantages 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
299 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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