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we cannot help everyone in the world that needs helps, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.5

we cannot help everyone in the world that needs helps, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries. with this statement? v. 5
The writer’s view, there is a hot debate over helping to the everybody that needs it to run the universe. Although, the priority in each society should attend their situation. However, I also disagree with the idea that either governments or peoples should help them at any price. For this purpose, there are different ways, like supportive and charity international and regional institution. First of all, it is clearly fanciful that we can help all the needy people in the run the cosmos. Further, every country or each one faces a lot of problems, and in most those the issues of deficit the budget is an important obstacle to aim for giving opportunities to people for a better life with more amenities. Should the governments or each person helps to other people in the macrocosm, it would be hard to attend their people or their life. Consequently, it could be causing problems such as expand destitute, jobless and so on. Second of all, for helping to the people who are needing it, there are different ways that do not necessarily need government or persons. In other words, should they tend to help the other people, they would help to them by own expense. Furthermore, for this case, international and regional institutions and organization were created by a group of countries. For example, the red cross or red crescent has helped the people who hand to mouth in the run the vale. Likewise, the people have suffered from war or natural disasters. Thus, these institutions can boost the deprived people better than others. In conclusion, as I have noted above, I believe that the useful initiative in supporting the needy people, is using international and regional supportive institution. Next, it would be wrong to use governmental aids for this purpose. Only in this way could have be supporting to survive the divested people.
The writer’s view, there is a hot debate over helping to
Possible typo. Did you mean "the" or "everybody"?
the everybody
that needs it to run the universe.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
, the priority in each society should attend their situation.
However
, I
also
disagree with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that either
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them at any price. For this purpose, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ways, like supportive and charity international and regional institution.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is
clearly
fanciful that we can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
all the needy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the run the cosmos.
Further
, every country or each one faces
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
problems, and in most those the issues of deficit the budget is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
obstacle to aim for giving opportunities to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
for a better life with more amenities. Should the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
or each person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the macrocosm, it would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to attend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
or their life.
Consequently
, it could be causing problems such as expand destitute, jobless and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.

Second of all, for helping to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
The verb 'needing' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are needing
it, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ways that do not
necessarily
need
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
or persons.
In other words
, should they tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, they would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
to them by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
expense.
Furthermore
, for this case, international and regional institutions and organization
were created
by a group of countries.
For example
, the red cross or red crescent has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who hand to mouth in the run the vale.
Likewise
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have suffered from war or natural disasters.
Thus
, these institutions can boost the deprived
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
better than others.

In conclusion
, as I have noted above, I believe that the useful initiative in supporting the needy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, is using international and regional supportive institution.
Next
, it would be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
governmental aids for this purpose.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
in this way could have be supporting to survive the divested
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
The joy of knowing a foreign language is inexpressible. I find it really difficult to express such joy in my mother tongue.
Munia Khan

IELTS essay we cannot help everyone in the world that needs helps, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries. with this statement? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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