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we cannot help everyone in the world that needs helps, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.1

we cannot help everyone in the world that needs helps, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries. with this statement? v. 1
The writer’s view, there is a hot debate over helping to the everybody that needs it to run the universe. However, I disagree with the idea that we should help them at any price. for this purpose, there are different ways. Firstly, it is clearly fanciful that we can help all the needy people in run the cosmos. Furthermore, every country or everybody faces the more problems. Moreover, in most countries the issue of deficit the budget is an important obstacle to aim for giving opportunities to people for a better life with more amenities. In addition, should the governments or everybody helps to other people in the macrocosm, it would be hard to attend their people, and it could be causing problems such as destitute, jobless and so on. Secondly, for helping to the people who are needing it, there are different ways that do not necessarily need government or persons. In actuality, if they tend to help the other people, they would help to them by own expense. In addition, for this case, international and regional institutions and organization were created. For example, the red cross or red crescent have helped the needed people in run the vale. Especially, the people have suffered from war or natural disasters. In conclusion, the best way to help everybody who have suffered from war or natural disasters or more needed people, use the mechanisms of international or regional institutions, and either individually or voluntarily, nor governmental aids in every country.
The writer’s view, there is a hot debate over helping to
Possible typo. Did you mean "the" or "everybody"?
the everybody
that needs it to run the universe.
However
, I disagree with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that we should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them at any price.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
for
this purpose, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ways.

Firstly
, it is
clearly
fanciful that we can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
all the needy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in run the cosmos.
Furthermore
, every country or everybody faces the more problems.
Moreover
, in most countries the issue of deficit the budget is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
obstacle to aim for giving opportunities to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
for a better life with more amenities.
In addition
, should the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
or everybody
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the macrocosm, it would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to attend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and it could be causing problems such as destitute, jobless and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.

Secondly
, for helping to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
The verb 'needing' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are needing
it, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ways that do not
necessarily
need
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
or persons. In actuality, if they tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, they would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
to them by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
expense.
In addition
, for this case, international and regional institutions and organization
were created
.
For example
, the red cross or red crescent have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
the needed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in run the vale.
Especially
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have suffered from war or natural disasters.

In conclusion
, the best way to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
everybody who have suffered from war or natural disasters or more needed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the mechanisms of international or regional institutions, and either
individually
or
voluntarily
, nor governmental aids in every country.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay we cannot help everyone in the world that needs helps, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries. with this statement? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
249 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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