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We cannot help everyone in the world that needs help, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries. v.8

We cannot help everyone in the world that needs help, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries. v. 8
It is true that we are living in a global village. Every country of the world is connected to each other and every individual has a role to play in the society. Some people think that one cannot help everyone in the society who is in need. Therefore, people should only show the concern to the inhabitants of his own country and community. I completely disagree with the statement for the following reason. Firstly, every nation today is interdependent on each other. Though, some nations are wealthier than others or require their basic needs for food, clothing and shelter to be fulfilled. According to me, countries that are well to do can help poorer countries to overcome their poverty. For example, some developing nations that had faced natural calamity require financial help to raise their economy. This is possible when another country is willing to do so. This not only provides support to affected country but also helps to develop international relationships and thus can enhance international trade. Furthermore, many countries like India face problems of unemployment. Other developed nations can resolve this problem by providing job opportunity to the immigrants. These can be achieved in their country to be served by some skilful individuals which, thereby, affects the economic development of the country. Above all, we all are human beings and inhabitants of this wonderful planet, Earth. We all share the same biology. Therefore, it is needless to say that all should be helpful to each other. Humans make the world and humanity should make a better society. Today many worldwide organisations have been formed to sponsor people of different countries or in need.    For instance, World Vision, an Australian organisation that sponsors children in different countries so that they can receive a better education and lead a healthy and prosperous life. To conclude, I believe that everyone in the world is capable of helping others by some way or the other. Therefore, the statement about concerning with only own community and country is questionable.
It is true that we are living in a global village. Every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
is connected
to each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
and every individual has a role to play in the society.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that one cannot
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
everyone in the society who is in need.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the concern to the inhabitants of his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and community. I completely disagree with the statement for the following reason.

Firstly
, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
is interdependent on each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. Though,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
are wealthier than others or require their basic needs for food, clothing and shelter to
be fulfilled
.
This phrase can sound awkward in English. Consider using "in my opinion" or "I think".
According to me
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
that are
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well to do
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
poorer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
to overcome their poverty.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
that had faced natural calamity require financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
to raise their economy. This is possible when another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
is willing to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
. This not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
provides support to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
to develop international relationships and
thus
can enhance international trade.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
like India face problems of unemployment.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Other
developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
can resolve this problem by providing job opportunity to the immigrants. These can
be achieved
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
to
be served
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Possible spelling mistake. 'skilful' is British English.
skilful
individuals which, thereby, affects the economic development of the country.

Above all
, we all are human beings and inhabitants of this wonderful planet, Earth. We all share the same biology.
Therefore
, it is needless to say that all should be helpful to each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. Humans
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
and humanity should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a better society.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
worldwide
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
have
been formed
to sponsor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
or in need.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
World
Vision, an Australian
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
that sponsors children in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can receive a better education and lead a healthy and prosperous life.

To conclude
, I believe that everyone in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
is capable of helping others by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
way or the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
.
Therefore
, the statement about concerning with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
community and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
is questionable.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay We cannot help everyone in the world that needs help, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries. v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
337 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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