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We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers. They are used in businesses, hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes. What things will they be used for in the future? Is this dependence on computers a good thing or should we be more suspici v.13

We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers. They are used in businesses, hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes. What things will they be used for in the future? Is this dependence on computers a good thing or should we be more suspici v. 13
The rapid development of computer technology has made peoples better off. This already becomes a norm that computer are sprouting into every aspects of human life. This trend is seemingly irreversible and goes beyond your imagination. In this essay, we will discuses the upcoming change and some possible side effects. To begin with the foreseeable change, the computer technology will believably further integrate with bio-technology, providing function like healthiness detection. Indisputably, everyone concerns about their own health, especially for those who are living in metropolis as they are extremely busy and no time to do medical checkup. If computer can regularly do the medical checkup among these peoples, it can alert them in advance once their health is getting deteriorated. This feature benefits not only the busy peoples, but also the business. For example, the information collected by computer from these peoples can be used to analyse what kind of exercise or medicine they needed and thus, the correspondent business can approach them to provide the service. In this way, the business opportunity is unlimited. However, not everyone is so optimistic on the benefit given by computer, especially on the field of data security. Even though the computer technology has been evolved more than a decade, it is quite common to hear the news in respect to data leaking or hacking. What if the banking system already be taken by hacker, the result would be devastating as our financial system is already heavily dependent on computer. The catastrophic result is also out of your imagination. Admittedly, the exist of computer indeed gives us a considerable number of helps, meanwhile, we also bear a lot of risks from it. As this trend is irreversible, I strongly urge that technology developer should invest full of our effort to isolated the risks so that computer can continue stride to improve our living standard.
The rapid development of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
better off. This already becomes a norm
The verb 'are' is plural. Did you mean: "that computer is"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
that computer are
sprouting into every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "aspect"?
aspects
of human life. This trend is
seemingly
irreversible and goes beyond your imagination. In this essay, we
The word 'discuses' is a noun or an adjective. A verb or adverb is missing or misspelled here, or maybe a comma is missing.
will discuses
the upcoming
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
possible side effects.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with the foreseeable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
, the computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
will
believably
further
integrate with bio-technology, providing function like healthiness detection.
Indisputably
, everyone concerns about their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
health,
especially
for those who are living in metropolis as they are
extremely
busy and no time to do medical checkup. If computer can
regularly
do the medical checkup among these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
, it can alert them in advance once their health is getting deteriorated. This feature benefits not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the busy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the business.
For example
, the information collected by computer from these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
what kind of exercise or medicine they needed and
thus
, the correspondent business can approach them to provide the service. In this way, the business opportunity
is unlimited
.

However
, not everyone is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
optimistic on the benefit
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by computer,
especially
on the field of data security.
Even though
the computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has
been evolved
more than a decade, it is quite common to hear the news in respect to data leaking or hacking. What if the banking system already
be taken
by hacker, the result would be devastating as our financial system is already
heavily
dependent on computer. The catastrophic result is
also
out of your imagination.

Admittedly
,
After 'the', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'exist' is correct. If 'exist' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
the exist
of computer
indeed
gives us a considerable number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
, meanwhile, we
also
bear
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
from it. As this trend is irreversible, I
strongly
urge that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
developer should invest full of our effort
Did you mean "to isolate"?
to isolated
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that computer can continue stride to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
our living standard.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers. They are used in businesses, hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes. What things will they be used for in the future? Is this dependence on computers a good thing or should we be more suspici v. 13

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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