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Volunteer work organised by middle schools brings more benefits than problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Volunteer work organised by middle schools brings more benefits than problems. v. 2
Many schools nowadays emphasise the importance of cultivating students' mind and abilities outside the academic work, so many volunteer work has been organised. From my point of view, such a trend brings more positive outcomes than problems. Firstly, by attending volunteer work in students' early ages, students can know better about social responsibilities. For instance, many students will collect rubbish on the road or look after the elders in infirmaries on weekends. The participate these activities as volunteers and learn the importance of protecting environment and taking care of old people. As a result, many of them will become socially responsible individuals who are the incentives of social development. In addition, student can practice their communication and collaboration skills when doing voluntary services. The volunteer work normally attracts many students. Therefore, they should work as a team to accomplish the tasks, such as maintaining the order of an academic conference. The teamwork spirit and communication ability they develop by attending volunteer activities are valuable to their future employment. However, spending too much time and energy in volunteer work must have an adverse impact on students' study. Middle school era is the most precious time period for students to lay a firm grounding to their future career. Students can learn the basic knowledge, including math, English, physics, in middle school. If they pay too much attention to volunteer services, it is inevitable that their academic performance can be affected negatively, and thereby making them less prepared for developing a successful career. In sum, doing volunteer work can teach students how to be socially responsible citizens and master collaboration and communication skills, which are vital to develop career success. However, students should also reach a balance between their study and voluntary work. In a word, participating volunteer work brings more benefits than problems.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
schools nowadays
Possible spelling mistake. 'emphasise' is British English.
emphasise
the importance of cultivating
Possible spelling mistake found.
students&
#039; mind and abilities outside the academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
volunteer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
has been
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
. From my point of view, such a trend brings more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
outcomes than problems.

Firstly
, by attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
volunteer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
students&
#039; early ages,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can know better about social responsibilities.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will collect rubbish on the road or look after the elders in infirmaries on weekends.
After 'The', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'participate' is correct. If 'participate' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
The participate
these activities as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
volunteers
and learn the importance of protecting environment and taking care of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them will become
socially
responsible individuals who are the incentives of social development.

In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
can practice their communication and collaboration
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
when doing voluntary services. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
volunteer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
normally
attracts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
Therefore
, they should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
as a team to accomplish the tasks, such as maintaining the order of an academic conference. The teamwork spirit and communication ability they develop by attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
volunteer
activities are valuable to their future employment.

However
, spending too much time and energy in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
volunteer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have an adverse impact on
Possible spelling mistake found.
students&
#039; study. Middle school era is the most precious time period for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to lay a firm grounding to their future career.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
can learn the basic knowledge, including math, English, physics, in middle school. If they pay too much attention to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
volunteer
services, it is inevitable that their academic performance can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
negatively
, and thereby making them less prepared for developing a successful career.

In sum, doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
volunteer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
can teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
how to be
socially
responsible citizens and master collaboration and communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, which are vital to develop career success.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should
also
reach a balance between their study and voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. In a word, participating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
volunteer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
brings more benefits than problems.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Volunteer work organised by middle schools brings more benefits than problems. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
301 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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