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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement. Violence in video games should be censored.

Violence in video games should be censored. DoqOA
Nowadays, numerous of children are keen on video games, especially violent ones. This is a concerning phenomenon, I totally agree with the statement. Violence in video games should be censored. To begin with, violence in video games encourage a more brutal society. The constant diet of shooting, beating and bludgeoning leads to desensitize atrocities in real life to normality. In addition, children is the best copycat players, they enact the actions regularly in real life. For instant, in Britain, a 14-year-old boy committed murder with a hammer after repeatedly playing Manhunt which rewards the same type of attack. Secondly, children cannot distinguish between artificial world in video games and real life. The immersive quality in video games create a particularly harmful medium. According to the high technology, video games are the worst culprit because the player is in control, committing the violence themselves, rather than watching somebody else do it. The programming effect can embed violence in the brain of those using the games. Finally, it is hard for children to prevent violent video games. Children acknowledge video game from friends or siblings easily. Children frequently share or boast new things to be glorified, video games are the best choice for it. Furthermore, they can access the games themselves with ease and download games straight to their smartphone or laptop like a piece of cake. In conclusion, violence as entertainment in video games is immoral. If society wants to take a stand against violence, then it should be censored to remove brutality.
Nowadays, numerous of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are keen on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
,
especially
violent ones. This is a concerning phenomenon, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Violence
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
should
be censored
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
encourage a more brutal society. The constant diet of shooting, beating and bludgeoning leads to desensitize atrocities in real life to normality.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is the best copycat players, they enact the actions
regularly
in real life. For instant, in Britain, a 14-year-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
boy committed murder with a hammer after
repeatedly
playing Manhunt which rewards the same type of attack.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
cannot distinguish between artificial world in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and real life. The immersive quality in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
create a
particularly
harmful medium. According to the high technology,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are the worst culprit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the player is in control, committing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
themselves,
rather
than watching somebody else
The pronoun 'somebody' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "does", "did".
do
it. The programming effect can embed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
in the brain of those using the games.

Finally
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
acknowledge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
game from friends or siblings
easily
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
frequently
share or boast new things to
be glorified
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are the best choice for it.
Furthermore
, they can access the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
themselves with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
and download
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
straight to their smartphone or laptop like a piece of cake.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
as entertainment in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is immoral. If society wants to take a stand against
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
, then it should
be censored
to remove brutality.
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IELTS essay Violence in video games should be censored.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
252 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
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