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Violence among young people has increased dramatically over the past 50 years. This rise moves in tandem with a growth in violent media. Thus, the conclusion can be drawn that violent media is the main cause of violence among young people. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

It is often argued that violent content in media space is a main reason why youngsters become cruel. I completely disagree with this opinion and I think that violent media is not a main cause of violence among young people. First of all, I believe that the way how parents brings up their child and builds interaction with him mostly influence on whether he will be cruel or not. Even if child do not see violent content on TV he can see it at home. Also if parents do not give enough parental love this can lead to that child will not know what is being loved and this can make him violent. For example, if parents abused their child in both mental and physical ways or always rejected child when he wanted spend time with them it can cause a violence aspect in child’s temperament. So the family influences on child’s violence more than violent media content. Similarly, I consider that society effects on child’s violence rate stronger rather media. Under society I mean child’s friends and familiars with which he communicates at school, extra curriculum activities, parties etc. The life is not ideal and there are a lot of cruel personalities communication with which can lead to copying their character traits. As an example, a violent person who has influence on his environment can force them to kill animal or beat other guy. Hence, it’s very important to filter environment than reject violent media. In this way, I am of the opinion that the violence in media not the main cause of violence among youngsters and there are other causes that influence on child’s violence much stronger such a parents upbringing and enviroment.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that
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violent
content in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
space is a main reason why youngsters become cruel. I completely disagree with this opinion and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
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violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
is not a main
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cause
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
among young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Often, this adverbial phrase is redundant. Consider using “first”.
First of all
, I believe that the way how
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parents
brings up their
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child
and builds interaction with him
mostly
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influence
on whether he will be cruel or not.
“Even if” at the beginning of a sentence requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Even if
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child
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
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violent
content on TV he can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
it at home.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
if
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parents
do not give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
parental
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
this can lead to that
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child
will not know what is being
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loved
and this can
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make
him
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violent
.
For example
, if
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parents
abused their
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child
in both mental and physical ways or always rejected
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child
when he
The verb “spend” needs to be in the to-infinitive form.
wanted spend
time with
Consider adding a comma here.
them
it can
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cause
a
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violence
aspect in
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child’s
temperament.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
the family
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influences
on
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child’s
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violence
more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
content.

Similarly
, I consider that society effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
rate stronger
rather
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
. Under
The comma is probably missing here: “society, I”.
society I
mean
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child’s
friends and familiars with which he communicates at school, extra curriculum activities, parties etc. The life is not ideal and there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
cruel
An apostrophe may be missing.
personalities
communication with which can lead to copying their character traits. As an example, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
person who has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influence
on his environment can force them to kill animal or beat other guy.
Hence
, it’s
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
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important
to filter environment than reject
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
media.

In this way, I am of the opinion that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
in
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media
not the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
among youngsters and there are other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influence
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
much stronger such a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
upbringing and
Possible spelling mistake found.
enviroment
.
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IELTS essay Violence among young people has increased dramatically over the past 50 years. This rise moves in tandem with a growth in violent media. Thus, the conclusion can be drawn that violent media is the main cause of violence among young people.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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  • Meet the criteria
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