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Violence among young people has increased dramatically over the past 50 years. This rise moves in tandem with a growth in violent media. Thus, the conclusion can be drawn that violent media is the main cause of violence among young people. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

Recent 50 years showed that violence among young people is growing. Some people claims that reason of this phenomenon is violent, while others states that violent media do not have negative effect on youth. In my opinion, violence in media do not affect on violence among youth in real life. Violent acts are result of person’s education and character, also violence in media, on the contrary decreases violence in real life. Firstly, serious acts that people decide to do depends on their character, education, and upbringing. Child who grew in kind environment and who was taught to do right things will not try to hurt somebody after watching extremely violent movie. When people decide to go for act of violence, it means that they have own motives and reasons, that in their opinion justifies their crime, violence seen in media simply not enough good reason to do such things. Secondly, violence in media as movies and videogames shown to entertain consumer or to tell a story. Therefore, violence in media can be used as a relief after hard day. A lot of gamers say that videogames allow them to get rid of all negativity. Violence also used in a lot of movies loved by thousands of people. It does not mean that audience enjoys watching violence, it is just violence fits into entertaining model and people understand that violence in media is a fictional as a stories that they used in. Besides, there are a lot of research that show connection between violence in media and violence in real life, recent big research published in 2020 observed gamers for over 10 years, and in conclusion revealed that games have no negative affect on youth behavior. Finally, after all discussions, we can say that violence in media and violence in real life have no connection. To decrease violence, we should not limit media, but need to establish decent environment for children education and prevent people from acting violent.
Recent 50 years
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that
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violence
among young
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people
If ‘people’ is plural here, don’t use the third-person singular verb.
is
growing.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If ‘people’ is plural here, don’t use the third-person singular verb.
claims
that reason of this phenomenon is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
, while others states that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on youth. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
do not affect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
among youth in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
real
life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Violent
acts are result of person’s education and character,
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
,
on the contrary
decreases
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
real
life.

Firstly
, serious acts that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
decide to do depends on their character, education, and upbringing. Child who grew in kind environment and who
was taught
to do right things will not try to hurt somebody after watching
extremely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
movie. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
decide to go for act of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
, it means that they have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
motives and reasons, that in their opinion justifies their crime,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in
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media
simply
not
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enough
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
reason to do such things.

Secondly
,
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violence
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
as movies and
Possible spelling mistake found.
videogames
shown to entertain consumer or to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
a story.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as a relief after
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
day.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
A lot of
gamers say that
Possible spelling mistake found.
videogames
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of all negativity.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Violence
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
movies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
by thousands of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. It does not mean that audience enjoys watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
fits into entertaining model and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
understand that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
is a fictional as
The plural noun “stories” cannot be used with the article “a”. Did you mean “a story” or “stories”?
a stories
that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in.
Besides
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
research that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
connection between
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violence
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
real
life, recent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
research published in 2020 observed gamers for over 10 years, and
in conclusion
revealed that games have no
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
Did you mean “effect” (consequence, outcome, result)?
affect
on youth behavior.

Finally
,
after all
discussions, we can say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
real
life have no connection. To decrease
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
, we should not limit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
need to establish decent environment for children education and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from acting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
.
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IELTS essay Violence among young people has increased dramatically over the past 50 years. This rise moves in tandem with a growth in violent media. Thus, the conclusion can be drawn that violent media is the main cause of violence among young people.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
327 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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