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Using points and examples from the talk, explain the two definitions of money presented by the professor. v.1

Using points and examples from the talk, explain the two definitions of money presented by the professor. v. 1
There is a controversial discussion as to whether it is crucial for us to travel overseas to gain information about them or we can access it by internet and TV programs. However, I am of the opinion that it would be much better if people have a chance to go and see those countries themselves. On the one hand, travelling play a key role in order to acquire about nations and no one can deny that visiting countries is a much more appealing option. People who hold this view argue that stand a chance of experiencing the real life of local people as well as being in their culture or cultural activities, participating closely could be more effective than obtaining information through the cold-technologies. For instance, by travelling we can watch how they celebrate their festivals and participate in them with locals. In addition, we can make friend with them in which even we can discover more about them. On the other hand, others who believe that one does not have to find information about other cultures say always, we can easily access details, just with a click of a button which are available 24/7 and free. In fact, this information is accessible in literature, pictures, videos, panoramic maps, 3D model and VR (Virtual Reality) which helps people to learn and gain information more effective. Considering take information through internet, it is worth mentioning that it is hard to travel a place where has a difficult access due to harsh weather such as the Antarctic. Totally, it would be time saving and more economical approach if we discover through internet. To make a long story short, as far as learning about countries by travelling or internet is concerned, I would like to point out that travelling is more practical than other methods.
There is a controversial discussion
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
it is crucial for us to travel overseas to gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
about
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
them or
we can access it by internet and TV programs.
However
, I am of the opinion that it would be much better if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a chance to go and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
those countries themselves.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
play a key role in order to acquire about nations and no one can deny that visiting countries is a much more appealing option.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
who hold this view argue that stand a chance of experiencing the real life of local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as well
as being in their culture or cultural activities, participating
closely
could be more effective than obtaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
through the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cold
-technologies.
For instance
, by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
how they celebrate their festivals and participate in them with locals.
In addition
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friend with them in which even we can discover more about them.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, others who believe that one does not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
cultures
The adverb 'always' is usually put before the verb 'say'.
say always
, we can
easily
access
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
with a click of a button which are available 24/7 and free. In fact, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
is accessible in literature, pictures, videos, panoramic maps, 3D model and VR (Virtual Reality) which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to learn and gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
more effective. Considering take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
through internet, it is worth mentioning that it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to travel a place where has a difficult access due to harsh weather such as the Antarctic.
Totally
, it would be time saving and more economical approach if we discover through internet.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a long story short, as far as learning about countries by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
or internet
is concerned
, I would like to point out that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
is more practical than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
methods.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
It is astonishing how much enjoyment one can get out of a language that one understands imperfectly.
Basil Lanneau Gildersleeve

IELTS essay Using points and examples from the talk, explain the two definitions of money presented by the professor. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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