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Using points and examples from the talk, describe two changes that occurred after machines began to be used for manufacturing goods. v.1

Using points and examples from the talk, describe two changes that occurred after machines began to be used for manufacturing goods. v. 1
It is believed by some people that international sports events play a big role in improving the relations between different countries and maintaining the peace worldwide. In my opinion, I agree that organizing different kinds of international sports gives players a chance to share a common platform with different nationalities. It is being said that people who spend great time together, usually start liking each other company and develop a friendship. Therefore, when there will be friendship between sports persons across nations, their countries' relations will automatically get improved. Additionally, many sports events like cricket world cup brings more people together to watch and cheer their nation's team. In other words, international sports events connect people all around the world, thus, people get a chance to know other nations better. Another reason why these events are considered helpful in maintaining world peace is that it helps in increasing communication between different governments. Many regulators often meet to discuss about different sports competition and sometime this connection lead to increased business between those nations. To state an example, in IPL tournaments, players from different countries form a single team and they compete against any other nations. This team spirit creates a sense of brotherhood between them which leads to many other future business deals between these people. In conclusion, relations between countries can be improved by giving their teams a common playground where players can work together as a party and treating each other as friends will result in decreased hate between nations.
It
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
play a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
role in improving the relations between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
countries and maintaining the peace worldwide. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that organizing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
kinds of international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
gives players a chance to share a common platform with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
nationalities.

It is
being said
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who spend great time together,
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
liking each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
and develop a friendship.
Therefore
, when there will be friendship between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
persons across
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nations
, their countries' relations will
automatically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
.
Additionally
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
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sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
like cricket world cup brings more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
together to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
and cheer their nation's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
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events
connect
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people
all around the world,
thus
,
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people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a chance to know
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
better.

Another reason why these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
are considered
helpful in maintaining world peace is that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in increasing communication between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
regulators
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
to discuss about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
competition and sometime this connection lead to increased business between those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
. To state an example, in
Possible spelling mistake found.
IPL
tournaments, players from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
countries form a single
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
team and
they compete against any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
spirit creates a sense of brotherhood between them which leads to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
future business deals between these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
, relations between countries can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
by giving their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teams
a common playground where players can work together as a party and treating each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
as friends will result in decreased hate between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Using points and examples from the talk, describe two changes that occurred after machines began to be used for manufacturing goods. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
252 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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