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Using computers everyday can have more negative than positive effects on young children. Do you agree or disagree. v.1

Using computers everyday can have more negative than positive effects on young children. v. 1
Computers are one of the greatest innovations in the last century. However, some people claim this has more drawbacks than benefits, especially with respect to young children. I completely agree with this because the constant use of computers can cause addiction among children and it may affect their health. Firstly, children can get addicted to computers if they are not monitored. Although, there were a lot of educational activities available on the computers, still children may like to play the video games. In addition, due to stressful and busy lifestyle, parents do not spend quality time with the little ones. Therefore, children start enjoying more screen time. Further, they start to get themselves disconnected with friends and family, which is an important sign of addiction. For instance, a study conducted at Harvard university states that, there is a global raise in the percentage of computer addiction noted in the paediatric population. Overall, addiction is an important challenge associated with computers. Secondly, these monitors have bright screen which is harmful to eyes. Constant viewing of the screen might cause myopic changes at an early age. Further, children are vulnerable because they have tender eyes. Moreover, nowadays few months old baby is exposed to monitors or laptops. As a result, when they grow up, they tend to spend more time in front of systems resulting in obesity problem. For instance, many recent studies have revealed, that there is a substantial increase in the number of children who are obese due to lack of physical activity. To conclude, though computers are beneficial to children it affects both physical and mental health in children. Finally, it appears that computers do more harm than good.
Computers are one of the greatest innovations in the last century.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim this has more drawbacks than benefits,
especially
with respect to young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the constant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of computers can cause addiction among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and it may affect their health.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
addicted to computers if they are not monitored. Although, there were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
educational activities available on the computers,
still
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may like to play the video games.
In addition
, due to stressful and busy lifestyle, parents do not spend quality time with the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
ones.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
enjoying more screen time.
Further
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
themselves disconnected with friends and family, which is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
of addiction.
For instance
, a study conducted at
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Harvard university
states that, there is a global raise in the percentage of computer addiction noted in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'paediatric' is British English.
paediatric
population.
Overall
, addiction is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
challenge associated with computers.

Secondly
, these monitors have bright screen which is harmful to eyes. Constant viewing of the screen might cause myopic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
at an early age.
Further
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are vulnerable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have tender eyes.
Moreover
, nowadays few months
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
baby
is exposed
to monitors or laptops.
As a result
, when they grow up, they tend to spend more time in front of systems resulting in obesity problem.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
recent studies have revealed, that there is a substantial increase in the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are obese due to lack of physical activity.

To conclude
, though computers are beneficial to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
it affects both physical and mental health in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Finally
, it appears that computers do more harm than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Using computers everyday can have more negative than positive effects on young children. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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