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Using animals to test the safety of cosmetics or drugs used for medical reason is never acceptable. To what extent do you agree? v.1

Using animals to test the safety of cosmetics or drugs used for medical reason is never acceptable. v. 1
In this modern world,  the internet has though revolutionised the information sharing process but at the same time. It has given birth to various unanticipated problems that people are facing nowadays. Although the problems are inevitable, but solutions do exist. One of the first problems of the internet is the ease with which children can access potentially dangerous sites. For instance, pornography sites are easily accessible to them because they can register with a website and claim to be an adult. There is no doubt that this affects their thoughts and development, which is a negative impact for the children and for society. Another major problem is the growth of online fraud and hacking. These days, there are constant news stories about government and company websites that have been hacked, resulting in sensitive information falling into the hands of criminals. It is essential that action must be taken by governments to ensure that adequate legislation and controls are in place that will prevent young people from accessing dangerous sites, such as requiring more than merely confirming that you are an adult to view a website. Parents also have a part to play. They need to closely monitor the activities of their children and restrict their access to specific locations, which can now be done through various computer programs. Companies must also improve their on-site IT security systems to make fraud and hacking much more difficult by undertaking thorough reviews of their current systems for weaknesses. To conclude with various emerging issues emerging because e of the internet, which are making devastating changes in society, but planned strategies to tackle these problems can combat them and dilute their impact on communities.
In this modern world,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
the internet has though
Possible spelling mistake. 'revolutionised' is British English.
revolutionised
the information sharing process
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
at the same time. It has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
birth to various unanticipated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are facing nowadays. Although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
are inevitable,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
solutions do exist.

One of the
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
of the internet is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
with which children can access
potentially
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
sites.
For instance
, pornography sites are
easily
accessible to them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can register with a website and claim to be an adult. There is no doubt that this affects their thoughts and development, which is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact for the children and for society. Another major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is the growth of online fraud and hacking. These days, there are constant news stories about
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
websites that have
been hacked
, resulting in sensitive information falling into the hands of criminals.

It is essential that action
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taken
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
to ensure that adequate legislation and controls are in place that will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from accessing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
sites, such as requiring more than
merely
confirming that you are an adult to view a website. Parents
also
have a part to play. They need to
closely
monitor the activities of their children and restrict their access to specific locations, which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
be done
through various computer programs.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their on-site IT security systems to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
fraud and hacking much more difficult by undertaking thorough reviews of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
systems for weaknesses.

To conclude
with various emerging issues emerging
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
e of the internet, which are making devastating
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
planned strategies to tackle these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
can combat them and dilute their impact on communities.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Using animals to test the safety of cosmetics or drugs used for medical reason is never acceptable. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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