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Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on young children. v.5

Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on young children. v. 5
The computer is considered as a wonderful invention of the modern world and somehow young people are more attracted to using computers than the older people. Like any other technology, computers have their own demerits if overused or negatively used, but I completely disagree that using a computer every day can have more adverse effects than positive effects for young children. A computer is a bit different from other electronics tools or gadgets like music players, gaming devices or televisions. Someone requires a great deal of knowledge and an advanced computing capability to actually create something useful in a computer. How can someone become an expert graphics designer or programmer if s/he does not use computers daily from the early age? The negative effects that computers might bring are pretty ignorable and are mostly health related issue that someone can easily overcome with a little awareness and prudent lifestyle. But this negative effect is nowhere comparable with the advancement and flexibility the computer technology has bought for our life. Young children who play games more than 7-8 hours or do unproductive tasks in a computer are actually bringing more negative points that learning the miracle machines. But think about a child who learns programming, play games, learn advanced computing 3-4 hours a day would become a great computer professional someday. In conclusion, if the young people are spending their time for entertainment purposes in front of a computer, then s/he  better be utilised in somewhere else. But someone with the determination to learn the computing and advancing his/her knowledge about computer software, hardware and networking would become a skilled person for the upcoming future. Hence the young people should be encouraged to use computers daily to enhance their knowledge while taking precaution so that this habit does not affect their health.
The computer
is considered
as a wonderful invention of the modern world and somehow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more attracted to using computers than the older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Like any other technology, computers have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
demerits if overused or
negatively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I completely disagree that using a computer every day can have more adverse effects than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
children.

A computer is a bit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from other electronics tools or gadgets like music players, gaming devices or televisions.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Someone
requires a great deal of knowledge and an advanced computing capability to actually create something useful in a computer. How can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
someone
become an expert graphics designer or programmer if s/he does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
computers daily from the early age? The
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects that computers might bring are pretty ignorable and are
mostly
health related issue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
someone
can
easily
overcome with a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
awareness and prudent lifestyle.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
effect
is nowhere comparable with the advancement and flexibility the computer technology has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
for our life.

Young children who play games more than 7-8 hours or do unproductive tasks in a computer are actually bringing more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
points that learning the miracle machines.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about a child who learns programming, play games, learn advanced computing 3-4 hours a day would become a great computer professional someday.

In conclusion
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are spending their time for entertainment purposes in front of a computer, then s/he
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
better be
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilised' is British English.
utilised
in somewhere else.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
someone
with the determination to learn the computing and advancing his/her knowledge about computer software, hardware and networking would become a skilled person for the upcoming future.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be encouraged
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
computers daily to enhance their knowledge while taking precaution
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that this habit does not affect their health.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on young children. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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