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Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on young children. v.6

Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on young children. v. 6
As the role of technology has been very crucial in everyone's life, children have been accustomed to the computers. One may say using computers will give great knowledge to computers or the more negatives than positives. I believe using computers can have more negative effects than advantages because the computer makes children lazy and violent. If the children become addicted to computers, they will become lazy in their life and they will no longer concentrate on other important things they have to do. Day by day, as the computer steals their valuable time, they will not show an interest in studies and outdoor games. As a result, they will not only become lazy but also they will not be physically sound. For example, my father bought me a personal computer when I finished my 10th grade because I had got A+ in my 10th grade public exams. As I become more habituated to a computer, I became indolent to do my other activities such as studies, sports and the other extra routines. Consequently, my rank dropped to A- in my 12th standard. If anyone tried to take away my computer from me, I used to behave violently. Kids act unnaturally if they want to own these electronic machines. This creates abnormal behaviours in children. In future, they will not be social. On the other hand, their important role in their schools will get damaged if this continuous. Another major disadvantage using computers is, children may use adult sites (above 18 years old sites) instead of using a computer for beneficial reasons. For example, today almost in every website, there are ads which promote dating services, adult contents, etc. These ads and then the time spent on those websites by a kid are enough to spoil a good child. My conclusion is that the parents should either supervise their children while using computers, internet and encourage them to use it for benefits or do not allow their children to use computers. Otherwise, their children will have to face a lot of problems.
As the role of technology has been
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
crucial in everyone's life,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have
been accustomed
to the computers. One may say using computers will give great knowledge to computers or the more negatives than positives. I believe using computers can have more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects than advantages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the computer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
lazy and violent.

If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
addicted to computers, they will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
lazy in their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
they will no longer concentrate on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
things they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
do. Day by day, as the computer steals their valuable time, they will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
an interest in studies and outdoor games.
As a result
, they will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
lazy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they will not be
physically
sound.
For example
, my father
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
me a personal computer when I finished my 10th grade
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
A+ in my 10th grade public exams. As I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
more habituated to a computer, I became indolent to do my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
activities such as studies, sports and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
extra routines.
Consequently
, my rank dropped to A- in my 12th standard. If anyone tried to take away my computer from me, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to behave
violently
.

Kids act
unnaturally
if they want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
these electronic machines. This creates abnormal
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Did you mean: "In the future"?
In future
, they will not be social. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in their schools will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
damaged if this continuous.

Another major disadvantage using computers is,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
adult sites (above 18 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
sites)
instead
of using a computer for beneficial reasons.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
almost in every website, there are ads which promote dating services, adult contents, etc. These ads and then the time spent on those websites by a kid are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to spoil a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
child.

My conclusion is that the parents should either supervise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
while using computers, internet and encourage them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it for benefits or do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
computers.
Otherwise
, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
problems.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages know nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on young children. v. 6

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
341 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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