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Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on young children. v.7

Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on young children. v. 7
These days the computer has become a part of many families. Though it is useful for every member of the family in day to day life, its dark side is more dangerous for the children. A child learns maximum from his surroundings. It is known that the computer provides massive material for a child to learn new things at the same time enjoy games. However, a computer is not intelligent enough to filter the contents based on the age of a person who is using it. For instance, a child might search for an action game on the internet and he might find the real war videos. Frequently, watching such violent videos could harm a child's character. For example, a kid could be more aggressive in future. Moreover, spending more time on a computer could build an isolated attitude that a child does not learn to socialise. Computers support interesting games and videos so a child would prefer to be in front of a computer as much as possible and enjoy them. Perhaps this could be one of the reasons that more and more kids suffer from eyes problems these days. Medical science has proved that a person blinks his eyes lesser time that required while using the computer. Apart from eyes, it could harm our backside as well. While sitting in front of the computer people do not realise that they are constantly sitting in the same position for longer hours which results in back pain problem. I believe the computer is an amazing invention to reduce human efforts. However, if it is used excessively, it could turn into a weapon.
These days the computer has become a part of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
families. Though it is useful for every member of the family in day to day life, its dark side is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for the children.

A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
learns maximum from his surroundings. It
is known
that the computer provides massive material for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
to learn new things at the same time enjoy games.
However
, a computer is not intelligent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to filter the contents based on the age of a person who is using it.
For instance
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
might search for an action game on the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
internet and
he might find the real war videos.
Frequently
, watching such violent videos could harm a child's character.
For example
, a kid could be more aggressive
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.

Moreover
, spending more time on a computer could build an isolated attitude that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
does not learn to
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialise' is British English.
socialise
. Computers support interesting games and videos
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
would prefer to be in front of a computer as much as possible and enjoy them. Perhaps this could be one of the reasons that more and more kids suffer from eyes problems these days. Medical science has proved that a person blinks his eyes lesser time that required while using the computer. Apart from eyes, it could harm our backside
as well
. While sitting in front of the computer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
that they are
constantly
sitting in the same position for longer hours which results in back pain problem.

I believe the computer is an amazing invention to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
human efforts.
However
, if it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
excessively
, it could turn into a weapon.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on young children. v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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