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Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on young children. v.4

Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on young children. v. 4
Nowadays, young children use computers so frequently that some even use them more than 10 hours every day. Although some people believe that the phenomenon has no harmful effects on young children, I agree that the disadvantages of it outweigh the advantages. To begin with, the benefits of using a computer are widely admitted. As high-tech tools, computers provide children with diversified methods to help them learn efficiently. Animated web pages and incentive applications are designed for teaching and inspiring them to access more information  and that process expands their horizons as a result. Also, children are attracted easily by the interactions in educational computer programs, so that they absorb knowledge effectively in a lively atmosphere, and it proves to be welcomed by both parents and teachers. On the other hand, negative impacts of using a computer every day need to be emphasised. Since young children have only acquired inadequate self-control, they are likely to be addicted to computers, video games in particular. Spending too much time on computer games, children will lose their interest in studying as well as communicating with their peers. Moreover, their values and perspectives of the real world might not be well developed once they fall in love with the virtual world, which will have a detrimental influence on their future. Again, using computers for long hours has both physical and psychological effects that would be even more devastating for young children. In conclusion, though computers are helpful to youngsters’ study, the adverse effects they bring weigh more. It is acceptable that youngsters use computers two or three times a week, but parents still need to be aware of the unhealthy information on the internet and video games addiction of their offspring.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
computers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
frequently
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them more than 10 hours every day. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the phenomenon has no harmful effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the disadvantages of it outweigh the advantages.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the benefits of using a computer are
widely
admitted. As high-tech tools, computers provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with diversified methods to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them learn
efficiently
. Animated web pages and incentive applications
are designed
for teaching and inspiring them to access more information
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
and that process expands their horizons
as a result
.
Also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are attracted
easily
by the interactions in educational computer programs,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they absorb knowledge
effectively
in a lively atmosphere, and it proves to
be welcomed
by both parents and teachers.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts of using a computer every day need to be
Possible spelling mistake. 'emphasised' is British English.
emphasised
. Since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
acquired inadequate self-control, they are likely to
be addicted
to computers, video games
in particular
. Spending too much time on computer games,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will lose their interest in studying
as well
as communicating with their peers.
Moreover
, their values and perspectives of the real world might not be
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well developed
once they fall in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
with the virtual world, which will have a detrimental influence on their future. Again, using computers for long hours has both physical and psychological effects that would be even more devastating for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
children.

In conclusion
, though computers are helpful to youngsters’ study, the adverse effects they bring weigh more. It is acceptable that youngsters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
computers two or three times a week,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
parents
still
need to be aware of the unhealthy information on the internet and video games addiction of their offspring.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on young children. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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