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Universities should spend more money on improving facilities like library computer labs than on hiring famous teachers v.1

Universities should spend more money on improving facilities like library computer labs than on hiring famous teachers v. 1
Some argue that competitive attitude in children should be facilitated, while others claim that learning them how to co-operate with their peers would make them better adults. In my view, this is a sensitive issue to discuss, but I would prefer to have a competitive and a cooperative child, as the combination of these two characters will add to the child significantly. Firstly, competing with your classmates will enhance your performance intellectually and physically. For example, having a class of students full of motivation, and the desire to score full marks, will lead to a better atmosphere in the class, and increases the level of education. Similarly, when it comes to sports, competitive attitude is crucial to reach fame and success. On the other hand, raising children with the spirit of co-operation and giving a hand to the needy ones will create a society full of charity. Also, it will decrease the number of crimes in that community. Teaching children how to deal with poor, injured, and handicapped people is an act of humanity. Conversely, a society full of selfish, greedy, and power-loving individuals will lead to moral collapse and a lot of social problems. Therefore, in my point of view, it is better to teach our children how to treat others rightly. Moreover, raising a young competitive generation will develop the society, and increase levels of literacy. Eventually, these two results will yield economic growth, and financial benefits. In conclusion, children should be taught how to be successful in their lives. Raising children with good characters like helping others, and competing with others in different fields will put them on the right path for success and prosperity.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
attitude in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be facilitated
, while others claim that learning them how to co-operate with their peers would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them better adults. In my view, this is a sensitive issue to discuss,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I would prefer to have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
and a cooperative child, as the combination of these two characters will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
to the child
significantly
.

Firstly
, competing with your classmates will enhance your performance
intellectually
and
physically
.
For example
, having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
of students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
full
of motivation, and the desire to score
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
full
marks, will lead to a better atmosphere in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, and increases the level of education.
Similarly
, when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to sports,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
attitude is crucial to reach fame and success.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, raising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with the spirit of co-operation and giving a hand to the needy ones will create a society
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
full
of charity.
Also
, it will decrease the number of crimes in that community. Teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
how to deal with poor, injured, and handicapped
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
an act of humanity.
Conversely
, a society
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
full
of selfish, greedy, and power-loving individuals will lead to moral collapse and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
social problems.

Therefore
, in my point of view, it is better to teach our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
how to treat others
rightly
.
Moreover
, raising a young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
generation will develop the society, and increase levels of literacy.
Eventually
, these two results will yield economic growth, and financial benefits.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be taught
how to be successful in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. Raising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
characters like helping others, and competing with others in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
fields will put them on the right path for success and prosperity.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay Universities should spend more money on improving facilities like library computer labs than on hiring famous teachers v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
278 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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