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Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female study in every subject. Do you agree or disagree。 v.3

Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female study in every subject. 。 v. 3
The number of man and woman students should be accepted equally in every subject of any universities. I strongly agree with this statement and this essay will examine the reasons to support this statement. First of all, Gender equality is very important in every industry, even in school where all students can study about this issue and it is also important to set up the study system by choosing the equal numbers of students in both genders because it can show this action to students and they can actually learn from this little thing to know how to appreciate and treat others nicely without being racist. For instance, For technology subject university should choose more female students and quit thinking that it is the man's job. In addition, they should be more open minded to accept that everyone has their own favourite and they have right to choose although they are either female or male. Particularly, Both female and male students should be treated the same in order to make them know how to value others. Secondly, After university, It is time to find a career and we all know that every majors that included in school are very important to working industry. Also, we all know that every workplace needs both men and women because they both have the same roles and different talents and it is actually very helpful to society too. For example, In the fashion design departments need both male and female even though most people think it is a woman's job. Besides all these thoughts, Both gender play important role in this department and they need each other in order to grow. It is clear that every career needs both genders for developing each industry. In conclusion, Both female and male student should be equal in every subject because it can be the role play for students and it can be really important in every career.
The number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
and woman
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
equally
in every subject of any universities. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement and this essay will examine the reasons to support this statement.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, Gender equality is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
in every industry, even in school where all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can study about this issue and it is
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
to set up the study system by choosing the equal numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in both genders
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
this action to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
students and
they can actually learn from this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
thing to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
how to appreciate and treat others
nicely
without being racist.
For instance
, For technology subject university should choose more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and quit thinking that it is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
's job.
In addition
, they should be more open
The verb 'minded' is used with the gerund form: "minded accepting".
minded to accept
that everyone has their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
favourite and
they have right to choose although they are either
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
or male.
Particularly
, Both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
and male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should
be treated
the same in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
how to value others.

Secondly
, After university, It is time to find a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
career and
we all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
that every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "major"?
majors
that included in school are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
to working industry.
Also
, we all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
know
that every workplace
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they both have the same roles and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
talents and it is actually
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
helpful to society too.
For example
, In the fashion design departments
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
both male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
even though
most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is a woman's job.
Besides
all these thoughts, Both gender play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
role in this
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
department and
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
each other in order to grow. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that every career
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
both genders for developing each industry.

In conclusion
, Both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
and male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
should be equal in every subject
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it can be the
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
role play
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and it can be
really
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
in every career.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female study in every subject. 。 v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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