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Unhealthy lifestyle of children

Unhealthy lifestyle of children KyO73
In this modern century, a great deal of children have an unhealthy way of life. So many people believe that parents and schools have to take responsibility for this problems and have to solve it. I strongly agree with that idea. When people are a newborns and when they become children, they are empty papers. They do not have enough cognition to know which one is bad or good, and they tend to imitate everyone they see. In addition, children are allowed to use technology too soon to operate information on the internet. However, there are bunches of toxic contents on popular social media such as youtube, facebook and tik tok so they are easily poisoned by those contents. Moreover, a child is a mirror of their parents, if their parents always have an argument with each other, they will be affected and become more irritated. So to deal with this problem, parents have to take care of their children, manage the contents that their children usually watch. They also have to spend time playing with their children, encourage them to play outdoor activity instead of playing video games all day. Plus, they shouldn’t punish their children by beating. They should be patient to teach them what to do and be tolerant to children’s mistake, but do not pamper them so much. And they must not quarrel in front of their children. At school, children must be taught knowledge and adequate attitudes. School should teach them life skill and improve their cognitive skills. Furthermore, they should place a high value on personal choice and rules to help their children more confident, creative and disciplinary. In conclusion, schools and parents are responsible for protect children from bad lifestyle.
In this modern century, a great deal of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
Possible agreement error
have
an unhealthy way of life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take responsibility for
Did you mean "these"?
this
problems and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
solve it. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.

When
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are a newborns and when they become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, they are empty papers. They do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
cognition to know which one is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
, and they tend to imitate everyone they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
technology too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
to operate information on the internet.
However
, there are bunches of toxic contents on popular social media such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
youtube
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
facebook
and
Did you mean "TikTok" (= social networking app)?
tik tok
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they are
easily
poisoned by those contents.
Moreover
, a child is a mirror of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, if their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
always have an argument with each other, they will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
and become more irritated.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
to deal with this problem,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, manage the contents that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
. They
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend time playing with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, encourage them to play outdoor activity
instead
of playing video games all day. Plus, they shouldn’t punish their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by beating. They should be patient to teach them what to do and be tolerant to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
mistake,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
do not pamper them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much. And they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not quarrel in front of their children.

At
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taught
knowledge and adequate attitudes.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
should teach them life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Furthermore
, they should place a high value on personal choice and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
more confident, creative and disciplinary.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are responsible for protect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
lifestyle.
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IELTS essay Unhealthy lifestyle of children

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
287 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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