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Traffic and housing problems could be solved by moving large companies, factories and their employees to the countryside. Do you agree or disagree? v.9

Traffic and housing problems could be solved by moving large companies, factories and their employees to the countryside. v. 9
These days with increasing urban populations, there are major problems with congestion and not only the price, but also availability of accommodation in large cities of the world. It seems that one possible solution could be to relocate large companies and factories as well as their respective employees out of these urban areas and into more rural ones. I strongly agree that this would have a positive effect in making cities more livable. To begin with, the gridlock problem in cities doesn’t only exist from commuting employees, but also the general public travelling around the city. While this may be a fact, if the number of workers' vehicles is reduced on city streets, a large percentage of the traffic will obviously decline in rush hours. For example, peak hour traffic is undoubtedly made up largely of staff from companies going to and from home. Secondly, in regards to housing problems, populations will always continue to grow in cities and therefore inadvertently decrease the number of cheap and available apartments. This is certainly obvious, however, a large proportion of these apartments are occupied by employees of large firms and their families. If this workforce is relocated to housing estates in the country, city apartment blocks will fall in price and certainly increase in availability. In conclusion, by relocating workers to rural areas to work and reside, heavy traffic conditions and lack of adequate accommodation in city centres will obviously change for the better. As far as I’m concerned, I agree that the government should enforce such a law in order to increase our standard of living in our hectic city life.
These days with increasing urban populations, there are major problems with congestion and not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the price,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
availability of accommodation in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
of the world. It seems that one possible solution could be to relocate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and factories
as well
as their respective employees out of these urban areas and into more rural ones. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that this would have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect in making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
more livable.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the gridlock problem in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
doesn’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
exist from commuting employees,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the
Consider using "public".
general public
travelling around the city. While this may be a fact, if the number of workers' vehicles is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
on city streets, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
percentage of the traffic will
obviously
decline in rush hours.
For example
, peak hour traffic is
undoubtedly
made up
largely
of staff from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
going to and from home.

Secondly
,
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
in regards to
housing problems, populations will always continue to grow in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
and
therefore
inadvertently
decrease the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
and available apartments. This is
certainly
obvious,
however
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
proportion of these apartments
are occupied
by employees of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
firms and their families. If this workforce
is relocated
to housing estates in the country, city apartment blocks will fall in price and
certainly
increase in availability.

In conclusion
, by relocating workers to rural areas to work and reside, heavy traffic conditions and lack of adequate accommodation in city
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
will
obviously
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
for the better. As far as I’m concerned, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should enforce such a law in order to increase our standard of living in our hectic city life.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
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Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Traffic and housing problems could be solved by moving large companies, factories and their employees to the countryside. v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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