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Traffic and housing problems could be solved by moving large companies, factories and their employees to the countryside. Do you agree or disagree? v.12

Traffic and housing problems could be solved by moving large companies, factories and their employees to the countryside. v. 12
Today, some of the major challenges workers face in Big cities is traffic congestion and accommodation issues. Some are of the suggestion that companies should migrate to rural settings along with their employees to mitigate such. However, I believe that there are other solutions to this. Proponents in support of this say that the major reason why companies should move to the countryside is because there will be proximity to work place. Workers on a daily basis commute to their place of work and most times, they are being held up in traffic. For example, most individuals who live in rural areas work in large cities to make a living and end up coming late as a result of traffic or no where to stay in the city which leads to losing their job or dismissal from duty. Therefore, if these factories or companies should move to the countryside and establish there, late coming will be reduced and labourers will find it easy to come to place of duty unlike thinking of how to beat the traffic daily. In contrast, I would argue that moving these organisations to the villages is not the solution to difficulty of housing and traffic. First and foremost, these companies should provide accommodation for the employees as well as feeding. This will act as a motivational factor to perform relentlessly. As a result, there won't be lackadaisical attitude to job resulting from coming from a far distant per day. In addition, working hours should be reduced. For example, those that work from 9am till 5pm on a daily basis will not have enough time to be with their family members because of getting home at late hours. So if working hours are flexible for them, they will be able to be with their family again. In conclusion, although companies movement to rural side is a solution to these problems, I believe that providing housing and reduction of hours spent in working is an alternative to that. If these are implemented, there would not be a paramount issue like this in the future.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
major challenges workers face in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Big
cities is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
congestion and accommodation issues.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
are of the suggestion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
should migrate to rural settings along with their employees to mitigate such.
However
, I believe that there are other solutions to this.

Proponents in support of this say that the major reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to the countryside is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there will be proximity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
place. Workers on a daily basis commute to their place of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and most times, they are
being held
up in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
.
For example
, most individuals who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in rural areas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in large cities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a living and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up coming late
as a result
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
or
Did you mean "now" (=at this moment) instead of 'no' (negation)?
no
where to stay in the city which leads to losing their job or dismissal from duty.
Therefore
, if these factories or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to the countryside and establish there, late coming will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
labourers
will find it easy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to place of duty unlike thinking of how to beat the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
daily.

In contrast
, I would argue that moving these
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
to the villages is not the solution to difficulty of housing and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
.
First
and foremost, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
should provide accommodation for the employees
as well
as feeding. This will act as a motivational factor to perform
relentlessly
.
As a result
, there won't be lackadaisical attitude to job resulting from coming from a far distant per day.
In addition
, working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
.
For example
, those that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
from 9am till 5pm on a daily basis will not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to be with their family members
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of getting home at late
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
if working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
are flexible for them, they will be able to be with their family again.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
movement to rural side is a solution to these problems, I believe that providing housing and reduction of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
spent in working is an alternative to that. If these
are implemented
, there would not be a paramount issue like this in the future.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Traffic and housing problems could be solved by moving large companies, factories and their employees to the countryside. v. 12

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
347 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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