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Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? v.13

Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. v. 13
In today's society, it is often a debatable topic among the people that entertainers received a disproportionate amount of wealth against their services. In this essay, I will describe why they are paying much more money and then I will describe other occupations that should get more salaries. There are two reasons, why I feel salaries are too high, as they did not spend much of their time according to financial reward they are receiving, for instance, Brad Pit will get millions of dollars for appearing in a movie of few hours scene. The amount may never reach by an individual working in other professions in his lifetime no matter how hard he works, In addition, if we compare the person's relative contribution that income is not near to justify. This is because entertainment is not significant in contrast with other profession like Doctors and Scientist in the society. There are other profession that are worthy to be paid more for their work, More specifically, people who make a significant contribution should be reward more, to exemplify, Doctors who saves and give hope should compensate more to reflect the meaningful contribution, another type of profession who must received high financial benefits are those who contribute more to the society, for example, teachers should get higher salaries as they are involve in next generation success and development. In summary, the entertainers do not offer anything greater than the people who work in other professions, I agree that society is paying a higher amount of celebrities. Finally, I would recommend that people get their reward according to the significance of the services they provide.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's society, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
a debatable topic among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that entertainers received a disproportionate amount of wealth against their services. In this essay, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
why they are paying much more money and then I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
occupations that should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more salaries.

There are two reasons, why I feel salaries are too high, as they did not spend much of their time according to financial reward they are receiving,
for instance
, Brad Pit will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
millions of dollars for appearing in a movie of few
Possible typo: apostrophe is missing. Did you mean "hours'" or "hour's"?
hours
scene. The amount may never reach by an individual working in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professions
in his lifetime no matter how
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
he works,
In addition
, if we compare the person's relative contribution that income is not near to justify. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
entertainment is not significant
in contrast
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
like Doctors and Scientist in the society.

There are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "professions"?
profession
that are worthy to
be paid
more for their work, More
specifically
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a significant contribution should be reward more, to exemplify, Doctors
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
Did you mean "save"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'Doctors' should be used.
saves
and give hope should compensate more to reflect the meaningful contribution, another type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
received high financial benefits are those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
contribute more to the society,
for example
, teachers should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
higher salaries as they are
Consider using a past participle here: "involved".
involve
in
next
generation success and development.

In summary, the entertainers do not offer anything greater than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
work in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professions
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that society is paying a higher amount of celebrities.
Finally
, I would recommend that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
their reward according to the significance of the services they provide.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. v. 13

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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