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Traditional music or international music which one is more important

Traditional music or international music which one is more important qR0Qd
Yesterday I was really upset because of all the pressure of day-to-day life. I needed a quick refreshment so I played my favourite playlist and it filled my heart instantly with joy. Music is the easiest way of mental recreation. It can also be a way of education if we listen to international music. International songs allow us to learn about other language, culture, style of other countries etc. We already know about the language, culture and history of our country so it is my opinion that it is more important to focus on international music as a way of relaxation. To begin with, listening to global tunes will let us know about a new country, their thinking, their culture, their fashion sense, their traditions and history. Also hearing new tunes will help us in developing our knowledge on that specific language. In this way we can educate ourselves with new information as well as it refreshes our mind in a really short time that gives us a boost for future endeavors. In addition to my believe, music is playing a multiple role in our lives. To add to its benefits accumulating universal sounds plays a huge part. It enriches our thoughts on current happenings of the world. So, to keep oneself up to date with latest happenings of worldwide it is important to listen to modern music. On the contrary, some people might say that focusing on traditional music is more important than listening to multinational tunes. But they are overlooking the fact of educating themselves via their leisure time spent thing. Everyone is familiar with their tradition, culture, history, language etc and they can learn about these things as their native place. They don’t need to listen to traditional music for that. To sum up, we can say that music is mainly a way to refresh mind. So, everyone should focus on claming their mind by hearing whatever tunes they like. Then they should find a way to relate music as a way of keeping themselves up to date with current happenings of the world as well as having knowledge about other countries.
Yesterday I was
really
upset
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of all the pressure of day-to-day life. I needed a quick refreshment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I played my
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
playlist and it filled my heart
instantly
with joy.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
is the easiest way of mental recreation. It can
also
be a way of education if we listen to international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
. International songs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
us to learn about other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
, style of other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
etc. We already know about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
and history of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is my opinion that it is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to focus on international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
as a way of relaxation.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, listening to global tunes will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
us know about a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, their thinking, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
, their fashion sense, their traditions and history.
Also
hearing new tunes will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us in developing our knowledge on that specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
. In this way we can educate ourselves with new information
as well
as it refreshes our mind in a
really
short time that gives us a boost for future endeavors.

In addition
to my
Did you mean "belief" (noun) instead of believe (verb)?
believe
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is playing a multiple role in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
to its benefits accumulating universal sounds plays a huge part. It enriches our thoughts on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
happenings of the world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
oneself up to date with
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
happenings of worldwide it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to listen to modern music.

On the contrary
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
might say that focusing on traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than listening to multinational tunes.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
they are overlooking the fact of educating themselves via their leisure time spent thing. Everyone is familiar with their tradition,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
, history,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
etc and
they can learn about these things as their native place. They don’t need to listen to traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
for that.

To sum up, we can say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
mainly
a way to refresh mind.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, everyone should focus on
Possible spelling mistake found.
claming
their mind by hearing whatever tunes they like. Then they should find a way to relate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
as a way of keeping themselves up to date with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
happenings of the world
as well
as having knowledge about other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
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IELTS essay Traditional music or international music which one is more important

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
355 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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