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the use of mobile phones has increase a lot. what are the advantage and drawback of this trend

the use of mobile phones has increase a lot. what are the advantage and drawback of this trend W8nl5
These days, it is thought that mobile phones usage has utterly skyrocketed and this tendency also has its own positive and negative effects. This essay will elucidate these two aspects: First, spending much time utilizing the phones is detrimental to health level, however, if humans use this device frequently, the chance of keeping up with the latest news is higher compared to those who do not use it always. First, increased usage of mobile phones has negative health consequences. Since can be seen, it not only affects the human body, but it is also a cause of various eye illnesses, as staring at a screen for an extended period of time strains the eyes, leading to a high incidence of becoming short-sighted. For example, if individuals play video games without taking breaks, their eyes can develop illnesses such as the decreased capacity to see distant objects, which might lead to blindness. Furthermore, excessive interaction might cause users to become sedentary, contributing to the growth in obesity. On the other side, utilizing a phone may provide the most recent news, allowing society to be aware of what is going on across the world. Because science and technology evolve at such a quick pace, many types of information that were novel yesterday may be obsolete today. As a result, individuals are more likely to use their phones to keep up with the latest news, and events are easier to comprehend. For example, if they need to check what covid -19 is doing, they only need to visit the internet every day to get the news, or businessmen who want to monitor the stock market must rely heavily on these gadgets. In conclusion, while the benefit of this trend is that it readily accompanies the news, the disadvantage is unavoidable since the influence on health is massive. Nonetheless, the author acknowledges that it is a harmful trend and that humans must limit their time spent on their phones.
These days, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that mobile
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "phones'" or "phone's"?
phones
usage has
utterly
skyrocketed and this tendency
also
has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects. This essay will elucidate these two aspects:
First
, spending much time utilizing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
is detrimental to health level,
however
, if humans
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this device
frequently
, the chance of keeping up with the latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
is higher compared to those who do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it
The adverb 'always' is usually not used at the end of a sentence.
always
.

First
, increased usage of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
health consequences. Since can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
, it not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
affects the human body,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is
also
a cause of various eye illnesses, as staring at a screen for an extended period of time strains the eyes, leading to a high incidence of becoming short-sighted.
For example
, if individuals play video games without taking breaks, their eyes can develop illnesses such as the decreased capacity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
distant objects, which might lead to blindness.
Furthermore
, excessive interaction might cause users to become sedentary, contributing to the growth in obesity.

On the other side, utilizing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
may provide the most recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
, allowing society to be aware of what is going on across the world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
science and technology evolve at such a quick pace,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
types of information that were novel yesterday may be obsolete
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.
As a result
, individuals are more likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
up with the latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
are easier to comprehend.
For example
, if they need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
what
Did you mean "COVID-19" or the alternative spelling "Covid-19" (= coronavirus)?
covid
-19 is doing, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
need to visit the internet every day to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
, or businessmen who want to monitor the stock market
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
rely
heavily
on these gadgets.

In conclusion
, while the benefit of this trend is that it
readily
accompanies the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
, the disadvantage is unavoidable since the influence on health is massive. Nonetheless, the author acknowledges that it is a harmful trend and that humans
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
limit their time spent on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
.
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IELTS essay the use of mobile phones has increase a lot. what are the advantage and drawback of this trend

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
325 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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